What Makes a Douchebag: A Refresher

handsome narcissistic suit...
handsome narcissistic suit...

Hardly an original concept, but if this information is common knowledge, why do I keep seeing so many douchebags? We've made some progress with fedoras, sunglasses at night, popped collars, and energy drink tattoos. But truth be told, we're all guilty of the occasional slip-up. So, it's time for a quick refresher on what it means to be a douche:

  1. Living vicariously through a sports team
  2. Bitching about how cold it is... in the middle of winter
  3. Bathroom selfies
  4. Molesting or playing with my dog like she's yours
  5. Name or place dropping
  6. Vineyard fu*king Vines
  7. Giving unsolicited advice, especially to people who are more accomplished
  8. Using Instagram like a chick
  9. Still quoting Old School or impersonating Borat
  10. Any picture of you throwing up a middle finger or backward peace sign. You're not Tupac
  11. Owning more than zero flat brimmed baseball caps
  12. Documenting every trip to the gym
  13. The Entourage movie
  14. Forcing the hand-shake-hug with people you probably shouldn't
  15. Being a sh*tty tipper
  16. Texting during a date. It's worse if you're checking work email and think she's impressed
  17. You insist on making people watch YouTube videos at a bar
  18. Cologne. Can I smell you 5 feet away or 5 minutes after you leave the room?
  19. Bragging that you "have a friend" with a beach house, Ferrari, boat, etc.
  20. Cheating. Relationships are optional, and bottle service chicks are fun (and cheaper)
  21. Beats by Dre as a fashion accessory
  22. Always showing up late or breaking plans altogether
  23. Blue tooth. The original d-bag tag
  24. Trying to use Larry King's mantle to lecture Americans on guns
  25. Parking like an asshole
  26. Sniffing a wine cork at a restaurant
  27. Che Guevara t-shirts (worse than Ed Hardy)
  28. Standing on the left side of an escalator
  29. Professing to be a "cheeseburger connoisseur" (or wine)
  30. You have douchebag friends, like these or these. Unfriend immediately
  31. You tell Vegas pool party stories
  32. Kanye West
  33. You constantly say 'Uber' instead of 'car' or 'taxi'
  34. Gratuitous Facebook check-ins
  35. Three-piece suits. (You're not Tom Brady)
  36. Signing emails with "Cheers"
  37. You insult your friends in public to impress a chick
  38. Addressing service staff while still talking on a cellphone
  39. Using expensive car keys as a prop. (The guy who puts his Range Rover key on the bar top uses the bathroom stall to take a leak.)
  40. Invading Poland
  41. Modifying sh*tty cars
  42. Bragging about good deeds
  43. A black Amex card. (Rappers quit rapping about it 10 years ago.)
  44. Wearing rosary beads at a bar
  45. Five lane changes only to end up two cars ahead of me at the next red light