Midlife sex can be challenging.
Some of us need sex aides just to get things started. Viagra for both men and women -- (men, you are no longer alone when it comes to performance anxiety) -- as well as lubricant, testosterone, estrogen, progesterone and any sex tape that DOES NOT include Kim Kardashian.
But even these items won't make a dent in your libido if you can't get out of your own head. (Ladies, you know who you are!)
Case in point:
I'm attempting a technique called The Pepper Grinder on my man.
It's 9 a.m. on Monday morning, which is one of the few times we can have sex because our children are not in the house, but it really eats into my work time, man.
This is what I'm thinking as I try to efficiently complete this sexual task.
- I've got to write a post on my website, even though I have nothing to say. And even I am sick of reading about vaginas.
And as my brow furrows with the intense concentration that is required during self-castigation, suddenly my husband bursts into laughter.
I look up from my Pepper Grinding, which I realize I may have been doing just a tad overzealously while fixating on all the shit I have to do.
"Uh oh, am I doing it wrong?"
Through his laughter he replies, "No, it's just the look on your face."
"The look on my face?"
"You look like you're doing a distasteful task, like pulling hair out of a drain."
Now we're both laughing. Hard.
I fall onto his chest and just feeling the laughter erupting from him makes me laugh harder. We are rolling on the bed. Now I'm snorting like a feral pig.
God I love this man. He's my rock. My best friend. The person I like best in the world.
And he's so kind and patient with me. Loving me more than I love myself. Even when I'm strangling his manhood while treating it like a device that puts ground pepper on your chicken caesar salad.
After the laughter I'm out of my head, my generalized miasma of self-loathing abates, I'm in my body, in the moment and what happens next is sweet.
Sometimes LEVITY is the best sex aide for loving, fun, fantastic midlife sex.
If these inappropriate, TMI stories make your day a bit lighter you'll love my latest book, "Married Sex: Fact & Fiction." It's HERE.