What Mrs. Trump Would Have Said

After months and months of waiting for the punchline of this bad joke, the bad joke has gradually, painfully, come true: Donald Trump, Mr. Bombastic, reality star, full grown Oompa Loompa, is the Republican nominee.

And it is likely he will be facing the first female nominee of a major party. This is bound to stir up a lot of gender discussions, and before everybody gets sick of the conversation, here's my contribution.

One of Don's most defining qualities is his offensive speech, arrogance and crassness that wouldn't be tolerated from a woman.

Here are some of Trump's most churlish statements, and how a woman would have been expected to deliver the same sentiment.


Mr. Trump: "I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I'm more honest and my women are more beautiful."

Mrs. Trump: I have the utmost respect for my fellow candidates. Truly. I just wonder if it's possible they've been a little less than completely truthful on occasion. Although I will say this: their spouses have terrific personalities, just terrific.

Mr. Trump: "Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man - he made a good decision."

Mrs. Trump: I love Arianna to death. That swoopy thing she does with her hair is such a brave choice. And her ex-husband's shirts are always so nicely pressed!

Mr. Trump: "All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected."

Mrs. Trump: No way were they flirting with me! You're crazy. I feel like they were just being nice because I had gum, and everybody likes a person who has gum.... Wait, do you really think they were?

Mr. Trump: "You're disgusting."

Mrs. Trump: Listen, I don't want to keep you. You are so busy! Go on, I'll catch up with you later. Great seeing you though!

Mr. Trump: "I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke."

Mrs. Trump: I'm no expert, but sometimes I wonder if Diet Coke is even worth it, you know? Like, based on what I see. Never mind. I'm sorry I said that. That was mean.

Mr. Trump: "My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body."

Mrs. Trump: I hate every single part of my body.

Mr. Trump: "My IQ is one of the highest--and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure; it's not your fault."

Mrs. Trump: I may not be the brightest bulb in the drawer, not like Dr. Harvard over there. Come on now, Dr. Harvard. Don't blush. You know it's true! But I still have an idea I'd like to share, if you all don't mind. Unless you wanted to go first, Doctor? Please, after you. I insist!

Mr. Trump: "The point is, you can never be too greedy."

Mrs. Trump: No, no. I really shouldn't have that second slice. But thanks so much for offering.

Mr. Trump: "The beauty of me is that I'm very rich."

Mrs. Trump: I've been fortunate enough to find myself in a comfortable situation. Sorry, was that rude?

Alena Dillon is the author of the humor collection I Thought We Agreed to Pee in the Ocean.