I had just finished teaching my yoga class and was hanging out in the front to say goodbye to my students like I often do. There was another class coming out of the second studio, which happened to be a gentle class. So when this gorgeous young guy with crystal eyes swaggered out (ok he probably didn't swagger, but in my mind, he did) I was a bit taken back. It isn't often this particular yoga class is frequented by strapping young men.
We made eye contact, I smiled and that was that. He left and a few moments later, so did I. I found myself following him out the door and noticed he had a baggage tag telling me he was recently in Japan. In that moment I thought, If I was single, I would totally ask him about that and start up a big juicy conversation. But I'm not single, so really there isn't a point. So I didn't say anything and let him walk away. For the second time.
I took my shortcut (I often times go this back way to get to my car that saves me all of 30 seconds) and as I spilled into the street who do I see but the same guy I seem to be destined to talk to. He spoke first, I walked across the street and 25 minutes later we were still talking out on the sidewalk of that brisk winter day. We talked about yoga and being entrepreneurs and travel and well, life. It was easy and carefree and sparked an excitement in me that made me feel like the sun had taken residence in my body. Eventually I knew I needed to bring this conversation to an end. So I thanked him for the chat and off we went.
I immediately called one of my friends and told her what happened. I felt so giddy, like I just met someone who if I was single (mind you, I'm not) I would have totally pursued. I'd been with my partner for 4.5 years at the time and have never felt this way about another man.
At this point I wasn't sure if I was going to share this with my partner or just keep it to myself. But as soon as I got home and saw him, I decided to spill it. I told him everything. Every detail. Every feeling I now had. I was completely honest. And he sat there and let me. He didn't freak out, he didn't judge me. He didn't worry.
And then I asked him something that I really needed to know the truth about. I asked, "What would happen if I saw him again?"
He replied, "Then you see him again.
I followed up with, "And what if I want more??"
To which he replied, "Then we'll talk about."
And in that instant he gave me the freedom I needed to feel what I was feeling. I didn't feel guilty or shameful for being attracted to another man like I would have in past relationships. He didn't make up a big dramatic story of what was going to happen. We've had more drama talking about what to watch on Netflix. Instead, I expressed a feeling, he let me and then it was done.
I continued to feel giddy for the rest of the day into the night. I went to bed with a big smile on my face. My partner came to bed later and when I stumbled out of bed half sleep to go to the bathroom as he was walking in I felt all of the attraction, that energy for that other man completely dissipate. Just like that it was gone.
What happened was I spoke my truth, we didn't dwell, I felt my feelings and then I let them go. Sometimes people in monogamous relationships are going to be attracted to other people. There are a lot of sexy, beautiful, interesting people in the world. In the past I dated a man that was so very controlling and jealous and emotionally abusive. Some of those scars still affect me even though my partner is none of those things.
But I have done a ton of work on myself over the years and have brought it into my relationship. It's not easy being completely transparent and open all of the time. It's not easy to feel jealousy pass through you but to realize that it is doesn't actually have any weight or power.
Something healed inside me that day when I was able to share my feelings and then set them free. A part of my sexuality that was often stifled by guilt and fear in the past was able to be just as she is. I know if I had kept these feelings to myself instead of set them free that they would have festered and at some point could have done unnecessary damage.
So often we make up these rules in monogamous relationships because we've been conditioned to believe they are true. There needs to be more communication and less judgement. What would happen if we just simply spoke our truth? If we let our partners express themselves freely? My partner and I did just that and by doing so set ourselves free.
I never saw that guy again. I didn't need to. I got exactly what I needed from our encounter. For that I am grateful.
To find more pieces like this check out my new blog -- The Breakthrough Blog.