What The Hell Happened To The Dating Scene While I Was Gone?

What the Hell Happened to the Dating Scene While I was Gone?
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The single most shocking revelation after the breakup of my first marriage was how much dating dynamics had changed, while I was gone. Gone or at least blinded by the rosy colored glasses of what single life is like ― that can occur while you are in a long-term marriage. Prior to being married, men chased women. Upon becoming single ― 12 years later ― I learned that the opposite was now true. Even worse, that no one had warned me! Like some apocalyptic doom had sucked the life out of my youthful dreams of chivalry. I could only think, what the hell happened?!

I tried online dating sites for a solid year before I figured out that something was vastly different and tragically wrong. Way too much of my time was wasted taking it personally: my age, my status as a single mother, etc. But when I started to ask around, I realized that all women were in the same boat.

After a while spent feeling sorry for myself, I started to see things for what they truly were: a game whose rules had changed. I learned that the best antidote to this was bonding with other women about the humor of it all, enjoying the comic relief of our shared experiences, and taking back control. Rather than seeing every man as a potential Mr. Right, I went about trying to understand this new illusive creature. Which ones might I best match with? Dating online was really about tweaking your preferences and refining your screening system. Essentially, developing a suitor selection algorithm.

As an executive coach and author, I write about understanding your personality type, your behavioral strengths and how understanding those can benefit your satisfaction in life and career. It is much the same way in dating as far as understanding not only who you are—but who you mesh well with. Abraham Hicks said that you might not know that you need a house with closets unless you have had a house without closets. Finding out who I did mesh well with were those that let me be me: a messy and intense person who loves her closet space.

To overcome the potential feelings of rejection in dating, try to imagine seeing men in their ideal state as options- in cute little boxes. Like shopping. Pretend that they are each self contained husband experiences or potential lessons. We kind of do this automatically when we are asked to select traits in online dating services, right? Introverted or outgoing? Home Body? Athletic? We see them as ‘boxes’ of options anyway, so let’s make it a bit more fun!

Once you come up with your ‘box’, then you can put your game plan into place, with confidence and control. They still really are who we always wanted them to be, just require a little more focus to find (and polish). How lucky was I to find my husband, in all his patient and understanding glory (as I satirize his gender in this post).

To all of the women who are just joining the club of single-hood, especially those who are reentering the field after years of being in a relationship: Enjoy your potential ‘Husbands’, in a Box.

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