My single mother has dedicated her life to teaching her children. Now that I have my own- on my own- I’m putting her lessons to practical use. These are just a few of them:
You are not alone. When I knew it was over between him and me, the depression became real. One kid and one on the way, I didn’t see how I would make it on my own. My mother rejected all notions of giving up. She would remind me of how many women had started their journey of single motherhood, and how many would do it after I did. “You are not the first, Shana, and you certainly will not be the last.” I would often tell myself if she could do it with seven kids, I could do it with two. That simple fact solidified my resolve, and to this day I remind myself of that conversation every time I start to doubt my role as a single mother.
The situation could have been much worse. There is no doubt in my mind my parents would have both not been here today had they stayed together. My mother had enough and made a choice to free herself from the physical and mental anguish she endured for so many years. My situation wasn’t exactly the same, but when I looked to my mother, I slowly began to understand that my girls would not thrive in a house filled with turmoil. Caustic relationships are a detriment to a child’s upbringing. I thank my mama for constantly urging me to see it was better to separate for the children’s sake and for their future.
Love your children like it’s your last day. My mama has seven children. I am her eldest -- at close to 40, I still talk to her or see her every single day. And if I happened to miss a day, she would call and ask, “Shana? What’s up?” My six siblings also see her or talk to her every day. She keeps us close to her, she loves us with a firm hand, but she loves us fiercely. When I realized I would be charged with raising my girls in my household almost exclusively by myself, I knew that the love of one mother was not enough. I had to love like I was two people. Compliments and “I love yous”, trips to the park or pool, comforting embraces, all those things had to multiply. The downside to this is I am also the lone household disciplinarian and many lessons in what works and what doesn’t. I never want my daughters to feel like they were missing something emotionally.
Travel with your children. Mama took us everywhere. She would tell us we can’t truly appreciate the culture and lives of others if we hadn’t experienced it. She didn’t let the fact she had many children deter her from showing us the sights and geography and shopping malls of the country. Over half this country I have seen with her and my siblings, and just under a dozen other countries, we have traveled together as mother and daughter. I have followed suit with my daughters. We love to travel for food.
You aren’t a statistic. In the most admirable way, my mother is a hustler. She knew she had mouths to feed, so she didn’t waste time feeling sorry for herself; instead, she found all possible means to make a living. She wanted us in good schools, so she put us in a sound neighborhood. She encouraged extracurricular activities and stressed the importance of the arts. Sure, our heritage is a Southern, black family, but my mother raised us as citizens of the world. My children will be no different, as they crave learning about everything, and I believe it is because I set few limits to their exposure to positive and enriching experiences.
Single mother= mother. I look back on our lives with my mother, and there was the obvious fact my father was not around. What was not so obvious was the label of “single mother.” She still did everything any mother did with their children. I guess my mother didn’t really place too much into titles, she did what she had to. She was a mother to her children. In my generation, the title pops up a lot more often, because more attention was put on a status which really is not new. I don’t mind being called it, but I certainly don’t need it as validation or, conversely, to demean me.
Be Proud. My mother has fun with her children and five grandchildren. In these years, she can look at the progress she made with her family, and take comfort in their satisfaction with their lives. She had a direct role in ensuring the happiness of seven other human beings. I know she is proud of her great accomplishment. We are so fortunate to have her as a mother. She is like, champion of mothers. If I could be half of what my mama was to me, I’d be doing alright.
You still are not alone. At the end of the day, when I reflect on things I took from my mama, there is one thing I hold on to so very close: I have a loving family and awesome mom who would not allow me to fail, even when I wanted to give up. They saying is true: “It takes a village”, and my village is fortified with love. I have four brothers who treat my daughters like they are their own. My sisters live away, but when they are here, it is the best auntie fun ever! My mother is everything to them and me, and I am so thankful to have apprenticed under her for the hardest yet most rewarding job I have ever had. I am single, but I’m not alone.
