The 9-Point Plan To Not Kill Your Partner While Pregnant

I'm pregnant and I'm about to murder my husband.  Everything he does gets on my nerves.  I know it's because of hormones and exhaustion but help me figure out how not to snap at him.
Husband Annoys Me

Dear Husband Annoys Me,

Hmmm, for once I am stumped because I never get annoyed with my husband at all. THUNK! (That was the sound of my husband dropping his computer from laughter having read that line.) Anyway, I commend you on owning that your annoyance may be due to your hormones and general feeling of discomfort, and not to your husband actually being annoying.  So, here is a quick plan to make you less likely to kill him.

1. Tell him openly that you need time and space to yourself.  If you aren't near him, you don't have to listen to him humming or whistling or telling you something for the 15th time or generally making you want to rip out his heart and eat it for protein for the fetus.

2. Get more sleep.  Turn off the TV and get to bed at least a half hour earlier.  If you're less exhausted, he will seem to suck less.

3. Get out with friends.  Weirdly, they are never as annoying as your husband.  If you're lucky maybe one of their husbands will genuinely suck and you'll feel better about yours after hearing their horror stories.

4. Exercise.  This releases serotonin and makes you feel less on edge when your husband makes that sound with his fork on his plate.  Or when he leaves the water on when he brushes his teeth for like 2 minutes and IT'S A WASTE OF WATER STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!!!!!!

5. Figure out which of his behaviors triggers you the most and think about why.  What in your childhood does it remind you of?  Often figuring out WHY you're triggered stops you from being as triggered.  So if your husband can talk your ear off and your dad, who you always had problems with, used to expound at the dinner table and nobody else could get a word in, you can realize that talking too much is a trigger point for you. Bonus points if you explain to your spouse that it's you, not him.

6. Have more sex.  Sex releases serotonin and oxytocin and you may feel less like you want to rip out his gallbladder with your teeth when he snores.

7. Actively try to do nice things for him.  People are less annoying when they are happy.  Some of his annoying behavior may be a cry for attention.  I mean, look, anything is possible.

8. Make sure you're not hungry when you interact.  When I'm hungry and someone annoys me it is not a good scene for anyone involved.

9. Be direct about your needs.  If you are tired, ask him to make dinner rather than making it yourself.  If you try to suck everything up and ask for no help, you'll end up feeling resentful and put-upon and even more annoyed by him. Don't be passive aggressive.

Plus, read my blog, because laughter makes everything feel better.

Till we meet again, I remain...
The Blogapist Who Solves Everything With Numbered Lists.

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