This year’s Republican convention is going to be huge!
Unfortunately, I had to cancel my plan to host the Convention at Mar-a-Lago and broadcast it exclusively on Pay-Per-View because certain loser GOP elites (looking at you, Reince!) insisted it had to be in Cleveland. Sad!
But, as I learned from all my bankruptcy negotiations, when life gives you lemons, launch Trump Lemonade. Coming soon to Cleveland! It may look exactly like Snapple with a new label slapped on, but at $15 a bottle it will taste like winning!
Here are just a few of the highlights to enjoy at the Trump Convention 2016:
Ted Nugent Sings the National Anthem: America’s finest patriot will kick-off the Trump Convention with a rousing rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner, including a new verse he’s added inviting Hillary to suck on his machine gun. NOTE: Ted Nugent’s participation is pending Secret Service approval.
First Trailer for “The Presidential Apprentice”: Delegates will also be treated to a preview of my new reality show—premiering November 9 on the Trump News Network! Season One will be all about the people I fire on the way to losing in a landslide to Hillary this November. In the trailer, you’ll get to see former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski battling with Ivanka and Paul Manafort in the boardroom before I turn to him and say, in my most Presidential voice, “Corey, you’re fired!” NOTE: Don’t worry about Corey! The limo in which he taped his tearful “exit interview” drove him directly to CNN where he immediately signed a $500,000 contract!
Bring Cash! The Trump Presidential Expo: I can’t get a full lineup of Speakers to fill the 4-day schedule? No problem! I’ll transform the Convention Hall into a classy display of all the best Trump products on the market. Bring a cooler and load up on Trump Steaks—or, if you prefer, my new Drumpf Sausages! Pick up a subscription to Trump Magazine and read all about my plans to make Mexico pay for the Wall! Book your vacation to Trump Turnberry! Or just help “Make America Great Again” with a wide selection of Trump-branded shirts, caps, T-shirts, mugs and pens, each with the “Manufactured In….” tags and stickers pre-removed for your convenience.
Speech by America’s Future Almost-First Lady Melania Trump: Melania is terrific! After hearing me bash Obama for the past seven years for using a Teleprompter, she’s adamant that she won’t use one because it will only make her appear weak! Who knows what she’ll say, but I’m hoping she’ll remind America one more time that I’m not Hitler, more like a hunkier Mussolini. Beyond that, expect her to talk about my belief that traditional marriage should be between one man and a series of progressively younger women, and to explain why it’s time to close America’s borders, specifically to Eastern European supermodels under the age of 30.
The Coronation of King Donald: Just kidding! The finale of the Trump Convention will, of course, be my inspirational acceptance speech. This will be my chance to speak directly to the American people in a way that transcends the $3 billion in free airtime I’ve already received. This acceptance speech will be my opportunity to lay out in full detail the latest evidence uncovered by the National Enquirer about Ted Cruz’s father Rafael’s secret meetings with JFK-assassin Lee Harvey Oswald in 1963. I also want to explain one more time just why I don’t trust Mexican judges, even if they were born in Indiana and have an otherwise unblemished legal career.
After that, balloons, etc. Then it’s on to November! I may not win but, as Newt Gingrich and Mike Huckabee have assured me, I’ll have built an email list that will allow me to “Make America Great Again” with an endless stream of Trump-branded merchandise you’ll see me peddling for years to come.