If you are separated and/or divorcing, you surely have a lot to manage. In addition to your own fragile emotional state, if you have children, you are likely worried about them. The good news is children of divorce can be just fine. It's really about how you manage yourself and your interactions with them during this time of chaos and overwhelm for you.
When you ask children about their needs when their parents divorce, there are essentially four things kids want:
- Love me as you always have. You know your love for your children hasn't changed and kids should know, by having you tell them explicitly, that you love them now as much as ever.
How to do these crucial four things when the overwhelm of emotion and chaos of divorce is occurring? There are many ways to approach separation and divorce but if you must have a relationship with your STBX (soon to be ex) because of children, and if you have children, even adult children, you likely will, you need to prioritize how to do that and prioritize the four steps. Even, again, if it's unpleasant and distasteful right now. In the long-term, it will help you and the kids.
Therefore, it is a mistake to believe that who you hire in divorce will not impact what follows. Do you want anger, confrontation and defensiveness? Your STBX may already be inclined to this sort of behavior but understanding the process of separation and divorce, and choosing professionals wisely at the beginning, can help de-escalate rather than inflate conflict. Recommendations of friends and family can be helpful but may not be right for you. So, what can you do, even if you are already mid or post divorce? What if you have already made some decisions in separation and divorce, face others, and are at a crossroads for your thinking and decision-making?
Consider speaking with a divorce coach. A divorce coach is an objective thinking partner who can offer you neutral support as you make the best decisions for yourself and your children. A coach does not tell you what to do but helps you frame your thinking to make good decisions for yourself and your kids. Divorce coaches often also have large referral networks to help you decide what expertise you may need outside of coaching: emotional, financial, and/or legal advice. A coach helps you continue a path that prioritizes your children and sometimes to shift some behavior and attitudes that may interfere with that process. It can be the best money you spend in divorce.
You know you want the best for your kids and yourself. Meet their needs and yours by following the four steps. We are here to help.
Cherie Morris is a lawyer, certified yoga teacher, mother, writer and Certified Divorce Coach. Cherie has four children of her own and is part of a blended family. She is delighted to include her partner's daughter and say they have a combined five. Vicki Vollweiler is a Certified Divorce Coach with her MBA. Vicki, the perpetual analyst, is the mother of two and strives to focus on the best interests of self and family, both emotionally and financially before, during and after divorce. Cherie and Vicki have co-founded Dear Divorce Coach to provide those facing the overwhelm of separation and divorce with information, support and guidance. You can reach Cherie and Vicki by email at: firstname.lastname@example.org. An initial consultation is always free, so please feel free to reach out to us.