Some of the best advice I have ever received is that what matters most is how we handle failure, not how we handle success. Whenever we put a lot into something, it is reasonable to expect some degree of success. And when this does not happen, the sense of rejection that accompanies failure in any realm -- professional, personal, educational -- can be devastating. Even paralyzing.
This past fall, I experienced a significant professional disappointment when I entered a contest hosted by Good Morning America to become their "Advice Guru". Truth be told, my mother called me about the contest, I entered on a whim, and I never ever expected to hear from the show. When the show called a few weeks later to say that they really liked my answers to their hypothetical questions, I was floored. Shocked and surprised to say the least. They informed me that out of over 15,000 applicants, 50 contestants questions had been chosen. I was therefore in round two which consisted of an on-the-spot telephone interview with one of the show's producers. I was totally unprepared for the call, and one of my daughters was with me, eagerly waiting to be taken to her ballet class (lateness is frowned upon in ballet). All I remember about the interview is that when the producer told me we were finished, I replied, weirdly, "great, and now I will take my daughter to ballet!"
As with the initial application, I assumed that I would not hear from them again.
When they called again to say that I made it to round three, I got pretty excited and allowed myself to consider the possibility that this could be a wonderful boost to my career as a psychotherapist. WOW! The next assignment was not unlike the others, but now we were transitioning to video. Answer three questions, on camera, with strict time limits ranging from 20 to 30 seconds each. I had one weekend to make the tape. Since I see therapy clients on Sundays, my time crunch was significant. I set about crafting and practicing my answers, borrowing a video camera from a friend, and trying to contain my anxiety and excitement. I honestly never imagined that I would win, but making it into subsequent rounds would have been a great professional experience that I became more attached to with each tape and re-tape of my 20 and 30 second answers.
When they announced the 20 finalists on air who made it into round four and I was not among them, to admit that I was seriously bummed would be an understatement. It's surprising how you can get attached to something that initially you imagine is impossible. What should be experienced as a series of successes can easily morph into a devastating sense of failure. In spite of a busy private psychotherapy practice and a well-reviewed book, it was easy to focus on this recent professional failure rather than enjoy the other areas of success that come with having work that I truly love. Making every attempt to follow the advice mentioned above, this was a failure I wanted to handle with grace. I sulked for a few days, cried a few times, and decided to buy the red sweater that a local boutique had allowed me to borrow for the taping. (I learned that on TV you are supposed to wear bright colors which it turns out I don't own.) I kept working and writing, and enjoying my family, my friends and my life.
Soon after the disappointment with Good Morning America, I began blogging for Huffington Post which I have found to be wonderful and rewarding outlet. The unexpected response these blogs have received has genuinely helped offset my disappointment about not progressing in the GMA Guru Search.
It recently occurred to me that I could create an advice column for the Huffington Post Women's section.
So, take a look at some of the sample questions from GMA. If you like my answers, and you have a question, post it in the comments section. As someone who genuinely enjoys reading advice columns and coming up with my own, psychologically oriented, honest but kind answers, I hope that this will be of interest to readers.
What's the best advice you have ever given and what was the result? (150 words or less)
Use "I" statements!
Don't say to your husband "YOU are so cold and YOU never ever hug me!" Instead, say "I could really use a hug."
"I" statements can communicate anything that a YOU statement can communicate, but in a nicer way that is more likely to be heard. Just last week one of my psychotherapy clients explained the powerful results of this advice:
"I" statements are my new magic superpower. I told my son I couldn't afford the phone he wanted rather than lecturing him on financial responsibility. He totally respected this answer. Then, I was out to dinner with a girlfriend and two men asked to join us. Instead of telling them to take a hike, I said "thanks for your offer, my friend and I have not seen each other in a while and we really want time to catch up." Worked like a charm.
What would you tell this person: "My boss keeps taking credit for my ideas. What should I do?" (150 words or less)
First, life is competitive, and it's ultimately up to you, not your boss, to promote your ideas, talent, creativity and drive. Check out the book Fire Your Boss. The title is a metaphor for taking ownership of your professional destiny.
Second, set aside a Saturday to watch three inspiring films that depict dysfunctional workplaces and the heroes who rise above them: Nine to Five, Working Girl and Jerry Maguire.
Third, talk to your boss. Tell her that you want to help her look good -- that it's a key part of your job -- but that you also want the whole team to get credit for collective good work. Explain that you are happy to share credit for the team's successes, but that you have to consider your career too. Enlist her in your success, at the same time as you show that you are enlisted in her success.
If you like these answers and want to keep the conversation going, please post your question in the comments section!