I like it when people tell me about myself. I'm constantly surprising myself so I figure they probably know something I don't. So it was with interest I read this e-mail from a man I'd never met but tantalized me with this juicy bit: "... I can tell what you like... a man who greets you at the door cooking a nice cut of beef and scallions in Chardonnay...." I'm a non-drinking vegetarian. "And then your Lothario takes you to the bedroom...." I'm married.
There's no way this was going to end well.
Over the next few days it only got better. And by better I mean creepier. Upping his Internet stalker cred, I started seeing him commenting on all the blogs I visit - including that of my BIFF (Best Internet Friend Forever), Leslie. I had to know if we were playing twins in the same bizarro fantasy.
[start IM]
CA: Hey Leslie, you have a stalker too or is it just me?
LG: OMG YES! I thought it was just me! [Name redacted - heretofore known as Ron Jeremy Lite, or RJL] has been emailing you, too?
CA: Yeah, this guy is driving me nuts. I get that he is just trying to get traffic to his blog but he is rather inappropriate with his e-mail and comments on my site. Freaked my husband out. You having the same issues with him? I noticed that he comments on your site as well.
LG: I got a couple comments and a personal email calling me beautiful. WTF?
CA: Yeah, well he's already jumped to making me breakfast in bed the morning after.
LG: Shut up. Ew! What did he say exactly?
CA: He thinks I have a nice waist. And a strong pelvic floor. And all that from just a head shot! My little tiny profile pic must say "I heart Kegels".
LG: Oh, crap. I was just blogging about physical therapy for my neck and specifically mentioned how thrilled (not) I was that "my PT gave me clearance to start lifting two-pounders which, truth be told, I could prolly lift with my Kegel muscles alone." Who knows where he's gonna go with that. Let me check my in-box. Hold, please...
LG: He just sent me this - I am not making this up:
what do I have to do...really, anything....to get listed on your favorite site or blogroll list....I told Charlotte that I would agree to "double secret probation"....humiliate myself, take a photo doing something...what will it take...are you getting any strength back?....I'm still concerned about you....send me a gorgeous picture of you working out....I want to post a featured write-up on you and need photos....
CA: "Gorgeous pic of you working out?" Has he ever seen a woman really work out?? The sweat alone would disable the camera - not to mention what would happen if you brought your camera onto the gym floor and were all "Never mind me, just taking pics for the Internet, darlings!" Tell him you work out in a Nun's habit while I check my e-mail...
CA: Oooooh, girl! Just got this:
You and Leslie are making me beg... Do I claim sex discrimination...c'mon, tell me what I have to do...I love your posts and will even agree to "double secret probation" in order to get on your blogroll.
CA: DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION??? Does that mean what I think it means? And since when did "blogroll" become a euphemism?
LG: Ew. Some sort of FBI-ish sex reference?
CA: And he followed it up with this creepy gem:
Send me a picture of your abs....tell me how tall you are...and how much you weigh...
From there I can tell what body type....the most beautiful woman I have seen (and been with) does not have defined rectus abdominus....she is tapered but soft...no definition....I bet that's how you look...gorgeously soft and tapered....contract your abs and core whenever you are driving, sitting or walking stairs....hold the up position while doing situps in front of the TV...have your "Patrick Dempsey" ravage you all night for a week...that will make it worth it....
I'm starting to feel icky inside.
LG: This has got to stop. I'm sending him a cease-and-desist letter. Can I CC you on it so he knows we're both onto him?
CA: CC away girl, I'm in. BTW, you see him call us out on his blog? Called us "Goddess of Gorgeousness" - nice - and then compared us to Pamela Anderson (!!!) Maybe if you add us both together we'd fill one of her cups.
LG: Here's what I'm sending:
RJL,
I'm sorry, you might be a very nice guy, but you simply cannot be emailing women - professional writers, at that - with emails asking "send me a gorgeous picture of you working out....I want to post a featured write-up on you and need photos." It's inappropriate and I know you've sent the same, word-for-word emails to other bloggers (which in a sense makes it worse because it's just flat-out not even creative to blanket-spam girls with photo requests.) Take a look back at some of your comments and think, "What would my wife think of this?" Like on Sunday when you posted on Charlotte's blog saying, "I myself would have driven through your neighbor's rose garden and happily paid the deductible [to see your butt]...send pictures....please?" It's freaking us out and we request you hold off...but wish you lots of luck with your blog.
-Leslie
CA: Love it. And don't forget to reprimand him for his wanton abuse of the ellipses. Their union called.
A day passes...
LG: Char, did you get a response?
CA: "I apologize." You think he got it?
LG: I got the same little response. Wow, he lost his e-rection pretty quick.
CA: Hee! Were we too mean? Maybe he didn't know... I'm having guilt.
LG: No. Don't play the victim here. That's how these D-bags work. Remember, this is the same guy who urged you to "have your 'Patrick Dempsey' ravage you all night for a week." Ew. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
CA: You're right. You are. And you didn't even see the picture he sent me - twice. My first unsolicited topless pic. You think Hallmark makes a commemorative plaque for that?
*Note: We do not in any way mean to make light of the very serious issue of e-stalking - this was simply our experience. For some good tips on dealing with an online stalker, visit the National Center for Victims of Crime's Stalking Resource Center or check out these tips.