Note: This piece is a work of satire.
Mace sold separately.
“You know when I was a kid growing up, a lot of things were sacred in our country. Women were sacred, looked upon with great honor.” – John Kelly
In those days, women were put on a pedestal and not just one pedestal but many so that we could be on a pedestal near the stove and a pedestal near the sink and there was one special pedestal with wheels that we stood on when we were vacuuming. Once in a while we were let off the pedestal so our husbands could service us but not always because servicing on a pedestal is kind of kinky, isn’t it, sweetheart?
As a sacred woman, you had the privilege of spending all day in the company of toddlers while your husband got to leave right after breakfast and right before the second diaper change of the day. Your sacred status gave you the right to have your hair done or shop or secretly drink in the afternoons before your husband came home expecting dinner and a clean house and maybe a little servicing. Girdles added to your sanctity I’m not sure how but they did. And heels too. High heels. And stockings with seams and in order to attain the fullest expression of sacredness, the seams had to be straight. These were the sacred raiments of sacred women.
And if we sometimes floated off our pedestals or stepped down, we were quickly reminded of our sacredness by our men who hit us or verbally abused us or grabbed our pussies or serviced us when they weren’t out servicing other sacred women even when we objected just because they could.
In those days, men exposed themselves to us on suburban streets as we were walking home from elementary school because girls were sacred too and a little less intimidating than sacred women because they were smaller and didn’t have breasts yet. Exposing themselves to our sacredness was a blessing on their penises but not as much of a blessing as raping us because raping us meant that their penises were inside our sacredness which bestowed upon them a much greater blessing.
And if men controlled our sovereignty over our own bodies, well, it was only because they knew that we could not be trusted to grasp the full extent of our sacredness ourselves because we wanted equality and access to birth control and safe abortions but those kinds of things really interfere with sacredness because you can’t be sacred and equal and men prefer that we be sacred rather than equal because they knew at some level that we might be more equal than they are.
In those days, women were sacred and, if we’re not vigilant, the Republicans will restore to us that sacred status even if it kills us*. Which it might.