When My Mother Calls Me Sweetheart

My mother thinks I know everything.

As flattering as that sounds it's actually pretty humiliating and sometimes argument inducing. I can't tell you how many times I have to say "I don't know, Mum. I honestly know absolutely nothing about the subject matter at hand. Nothing." Because if I just say "I don't know," she will reiterate the question with different phrasing, a number of times as if I just didn't understand the question.

I say "I don't know" and she thinks I absolutely do know and I just don't want to tell her because I'm smart but selfish. I want to keep the date that OSCO's in Lower Mills closed a secret and all the useless information I possess that she doesn't, needs to stay in my head and my head only! I'm not sharing!

Today she asked me about SKYPE. She downloaded the program and bought a cam which she claims was "very easy" to set up which means sometime in the near future I will receive a call asking how the "goddamn cam thing" is supposed to work. She asked me if I need to have a cam for her to call me on SKYPE. I said "I don't know" because I don't.

Mum "Oh come on. You said you knew about SKYPE"

Me "Yeah!" I do know ABOUT it. I know it exists. I know that you're supposed to be able to communicate via the computer but I don't know the functionality of it or how you get it up and running"

Mum "Alright calm it down. It says I can call my friends so you think I can just put their number in?"

Me "I don't know, Mum."

Mum "Well, what do you THINK?"

Me "What do I think? I think you should go for it. Do it. Go ahead put their number in. Call them up and ask them if they can see you."

Mum "Well, when you're in a better mood maybe you'll teach me how to use it"

Me "I'm in a fine mood"

Mum "I know you are, sweetheart. "

That's when you know my mother has tuned out from the conversation, when she throws a term of endearment at ya. It's always delivered one of two ways, either so tonally flat that you wonder if she is being sarcastic or with an exaggerated pronunciation which usually highlights her Boston accent and sounds somewhat confrontational. Bottom line, it never actually sounds like something that is meant to express love and affection.

I don't respond well to terms of endearment.

From anyone.

Especially when I'm bartending. Last night there was a woman who utilized at least six different terms of endearment while she drank one four dollar beer.

Her: "Hi hon, what's the cheapest beer you got on tap?"

Me: "Chelsea checker cab blonde ale for four dollars"

Her: "Sounds great, babe. Is it cold?" *****

Me: "Yes" (I stopped myself from adding "Were you looking for a hot beer?")

Her: "I'll have one, sweetie."

Me: "Here you go. That's four dollars please"

Her: "Cash ok? Hahaha I'm joking with you doll"

Me: (I smile silently. I stopped myself from saying "where the f*&^ are you from, kitten?"

Her: "Here's five. Keep the change, munchkin"

Me: "Thanks"

Her: "No problem, gorgeous."

Ok, she got me on the last one.

I respond well to terms of endearments that are positive adjectives about my appearance.

Then and only then.

*****Is it cold? Is one of my favorite useless questions a patron at a bar can ask. You might as well say "I want to have more questions to ask to prolong my decision-making process and keep your attention focused on me but I can't think of one friggin' thing to say so I'll ask obvious questions but in a sincerely inquisitive nature" why not follow it up with:

"Is there alcohol in that?"

"Now, will that come in a glass or some sort of drinking device?"

"Will you be pulling on the tap to release a lever I can't see that will allow the beer to fall freely through the air or how will I get the beer once I order it?"

Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn't settle.
twitter @kendracomedy