As a woman who's been in the spa business as a therapist and a manager for over five years, I've basically seen everything -- the good, the bad, the downright awkward. Not to mention, like all massage therapists, I put up with a seemingly endless stream of "happy ending" jokes all. the. time. And while everyone thinks these jokes are hilarious, the reality is that every massage therapist does have to deal with a few sexually... heightened moments with male clients over the course of his or her career.
But let me just say that boners during massage appointments are totally normal. So to all the guys out there: You don't need to be embarrassed. There is no need to dart out of the room. Most massage therapists are professionals and won't just stare at your hard-on. We really don't want you to feel any more uncomfortable than you already are. So just relax -- and know that we are not judging you.
That said, there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed. What do I mean by that? Let me break it down for you...
There Is No Need For Show And Tell
Wow sir, I see you have an enormous erection! How might I know this? Because you have ever-so-unkindly removed the blanket that was (purposefully) placed on top of you to make certain I am aware of your arousal. And then to add to my misery you want to talk about it!? Ugh. Gross. These little scenarios I'm completely over. You know what I'm thinking during this game of show and tell? That I want to end the service immediately -- and I totally would if I could! Though, if you make this mistake, I'll offer you the chance to take the hint that this behavior is not OK by placing another blanket on top you, all while silently praying that this is where your shameless peacocking display ends. If not, though -- we are done.
No Table Humping
No, really, this happens. If a male client is aroused and then his position is switched to lying on his stomach, I have observed (far too many times) that he might start humping the table. Humping or "purposeful wiggling" -- however you want to term it -- is a sexual act that is awkward and disarming. Who knows how it might end? To be clear, I understand a client's need to adjust himself and possibly rein in his boner if he has one so that the rest of the service can be enjoyed. But please do not hump the table until you are "satisfied." Or else I will have to, you guessed it, end the service -- and no one wants that.
Do Not Touch The Therapist
Unless you are having a heart attack or another similar kind of extreme physical episode that renders you unable to use your vocal cords, please do not touch your therapist during your service. Just because I am touching you in a therapeutic manner and sending you healing energy, this does not mean you can grab my legs, arms or try to guide my hands. This is especially true if you are erect, as this will send me over the edge and I will cut our session short. Here's what touching is appropriate: shaking hands before or after your service. And perhaps, if you are an established regular with your therapist, hugs might be acceptable. But this is it.
Do Not Give Directions To Your Penis
If a guy is sporting some wood and asks me to massage his inner thighs or stomach, guess what? I know exactly what you're up to -- and I'm not going to do it. You are fooling no one. Do you think my hand is going to magically start tugging on Little Tommy because you are inviting me to massage around where he hangs out? Uh. Nope. In such cases, I'm totally disgusted and will likely give you a less-than-average-level massage, just so you don't get the wrong idea.
Don't Blow It: Masturbate Before Your Appointment
Just so no one is confused: This is something I am asking you to do. Listen, to be real, clients do ejaculate during appointments and these are the incidents a therapist retraces in his or her mind over and over for eternity. We think: Was there anything that could have prevented this? To my fellow therapists: Please remember that if this happens during one of your services, it was not your fault. Clients: Keep in mind that in the event that you do finish before your session finishes, your therapist isn't going to be able to erase this incident from his or her mind... ever. And generally, the standard protocol is for the client to be banned from returning to the spa ever again. And this probably goes without saying: Everyone at the front desk will look at you like a creep as you weasel your way out the front door. Now how is that for a happy ending?
To be clear, my intention is not to boner-shame anyone. I am just educating the misinformed who think "happy endings" are a real thing -- as 99 percent of the time, this is not the case.
Please, thank you, and come again! (Sorry, after five years of happy ending "jokes," I had to.)
This story first appeared on Ravishly.com, an alternative news+culture website for women.