I recently had a woman named Lada ask me a tough question:
When will I stop feeling guilty? I read somewhere that the second name of every woman is Guilt. So true. When I spend time with kids I feel like I am shortchanging my elderly mom. When I am with my husband, I know my business lacks attention. When I am working, my family gets takeout instead of a healthy home meal. I am blessed and happy but I feel guilty 80% of the time.
Dear Lada,
We're in luck! I happened to meet a brilliant woman Kakul Srivastava earlier this week, who I believe can help us shed some light on this question. Kakul has helped build some of the most loved consumer products ever – Adobe's Photoshop line of products, Flickr, Yahoo! Messenger, and Yahoo! Mail. As a mother, wife, daughter, and entrepreneur, she was kind enough to share her thoughts on how she personally handles guilt.
This was the wisdom she shared:
"Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet answer to this one, but some rigorous hard work. The guilt is real, but underlying the guilt are deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. I don't know where they come from, but we all have them. In each case, at least for myself, I've needed to sit down and examine the deep-seated beliefs, test if they are true, and then try to 'turn it around.' For example:
Guilt: “I'm not doing enough for my kids.”
Underlying belief: “I'm failing as a mother.”
Examination: When I think like this, I feel ashamed and embarrassed. My cheeks feel hot and I want to hide. It makes me want to give up on trying to do more with my kids, and I have less fun when I spend time with them because I'm judging myself.
Turning it Around: “I am succeeding as a mother.”
Proof points:
- My kids actually tell me their feelings when something hard happens to them at school.
- My kids are developing an appreciation for cooking and healthy food because I make an effort to cook with them at least a couple times a week.
- My kids see me as a model of good behavior because they see me also take care of my father.
- I really had fun with them when we played frisbee at the beach last week.
It doesn't work the first time, but repeating such exercises really can make a difference. I like to use the worksheets called 'One Belief at a Time' from Byron Katie."
Kakul reminds us of an important premise: emotions come from beliefs.
Beliefs can be changed through self-awareness and practice. I would add that a yoga, meditation, and/or breathing practice would beautifully complement Byron Katie's tool. As the former helps us develop self-awareness (and relax the mind-body), we increase our ability to engage our beliefs.
What do you feel guilty about? What could be some beliefs attached to the guilt? Let me know by leaving a comment here.