White People Should Be Banned from Doing Yoga

Seriously folks, how hard is this to understand, and how often do we have to keep repeating it: White people are continuing to recreate colonialist violence with their cultural consumption. It has to stop. The only way to end systemic racism and insensitive problematics is to force everyone to stick to their own race when it comes to the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the art we appreciate, and the life we live. Anybody enjoying a cultural product that is not there's--whether it be a eating traditional meal or wearing a sacred garment--is guilty of cultural appropriation. This violence must be stopped! You should only be allowed to enjoy the culture of your own race.

Whenever I see someone who's cultural heritage does not descend from the sub-continent of India practicing yoga, I want to scream out at them for their theft of an ancient, sacred practice. The way Westerners have reduced yoga to a trendy form of exercise is just another example of how colonialism continues to plague us. Yoga is a centuries old tradition of mindfulness, with physical practice only one part of the system. Unless you grew up Indian, learning these ancient traditions of your own people, using the sacred objects in their intended manner, you should not be allowed to practice "yoga" as trendy yuppie moms call it. These people in their Lululemon spandex yoga suits ignore the sacred and profound aspects of yoga as they grunt through half-assed stretches. They are literally recreating the same colonialist violence that Britain inflicted on India through "yoga." We should do like the upstanding student leaders at the University of Ottawa who demanded yoga be brought down for it's flagrant recreation of cultural genocide; we need to decolonize our yoga practice.

My soul weeps every time I smell the waft of mall food court Chinese. A noble an ancient culinary practice has been raped by American food engineering to become nothing but a foul simulacrum of Chinese cuisine. First the Americans make fun of your food! Once they have convinced you it is worthless, they start enjoying it themselves and demand you adapt to their palate! They take your tastes and techniques and repackage them with the bland Western stamp of approval. It is an absolute disgrace that serves to re-illustrate the capture and enslavement of people of color all throughout history Somehow only college-aged social justice warriors are truly able to see these atrocities; students at Oberlin valiantly took down their cafeteria's offensive recreations of Asian cuisine. They are right--we need a full take down! The only way to solve our dilemma of culinary appropriation is to ban all ethnic food that is not 100% authentic, and people can only enjoy food of their own race due to issues of cultural sensitivity.

Cultures in West Africa may have invented an incredibly beautiful and practical piece of clothing--the dashiki--but only they are allowed to wear them. I don't care if you wear it to Coachella because it looks cool, is good for hot weather, and moves well when you dance. Unless you are West African, wearing a daishiki is a revolting act of cultural appropriation. Fashion is one of the biggest offenders of cultural appropriation. Native American patterns are all the rage in New York fashion magazines. Japanese garments stroll down the runways in London. And don't even get me started on espadrilles! Fashion is one giant cultural appropriation minefield, and must be stopped. So unless you are wearing the cloth of your people, you better have on a joyless smock. Those are your options.

Envision a better world free from racism, colonialist violence, and the much-dreaded "problematics." We can get there, but first we must acknowledge our our theft and genocide of culture that is not our own. To be culturally sensitive, we must only consume cultural products of our own race. Any sort of racial mixing is verboten. Afterall, culture is not meant to evolve. It is a sacred, ancient thing that must never change.