Omerta, the Italian mafia’s code of silence, is easy to keep when your mouth is stuffed with it’s twenty-first cannoli in ten seconds away from six minutes. In 2009, I managed one more Major League Eating regulation cannoli stuff at the buzzer to be crowned Cannoli King at the Feast of San Gennaro. The title had eluded me for nine long, ricotta cheese stained years. The contest was created in 2001, as a thank you to downtown New York City after 9/11. No money in fees nor prize money was ever exchanged from the venerable festival to the then International Federation of Competitive Eating (rechristened Major League Eating as less of a mouthful) or to the ranked professional eaters who graced the lunchtime stage and risked sugar overload, cannoli shell teeth chipping, and the dreaded urge-contrary-to-swallowing (its rare occurrence usually known as “Elvis has left the building” but at the feast retooled as, “Pavarotti has left the Opera House.”) Nary a complaint was made regarding financial matters as it was understood that this contest stood as a show of immersive pride - America, like the cannoli, with it’s industrial tough-guy shell, giving way to a softer sweeter existence once the barrier of empathy and powdered sugar was broken.
The contest existed for fourteen years and disappeared last year - as organizers pointed to one man shutting it down: Tony Danza. That’s right, the multihyphenate actor, boxer, singer, cheese shop register jockey is also the Godfather of Underground Competitive Eating. Make no mistake of the fictional abilities of Anthony Morton "Tony" Micelli as a housekeeper (did no-one find it odd that the pro baseball player retired due to a shoulder injury on the same side as his vacuuming arm?) and the stone cold gelato-hearted Tony Danza. Danza first set out to lay claim to fine cheese by partnering with Alleva Dairy on Grand Street. This provided the perfect front to cover for his nefarious competitive eating strong arming. Alleva has been serving the finest cheeses from old school recipes and techniques for over 100 years. It’s reputation, like it’s daily fresh balls of mozzarella is impeccable. It’s slogan, “"Sono Fatte con Puro Latte”” translates to only the purest milk. Like the purest untainted heart of a competitive eating fan who gathered yearly to see Ed “Cookie” Jarvis or Badlands Booker or Tim “Eater X” Janus battle for cannoli supremacy (rumor has it, the Vatican and Dan Brown had separate web cams for previous year’s contests) the contest was a nod towards heavenly desserts with digestive purgatory as a way station. With a legitimate cover, Danza began to dismantle MLE’s powdered sugar grasp on the confectionary contest. His cause, after a one year hiatus, is to honor his dear friend John ‘Cha Cha’ Ciarcia, known as the unofficial mayor of Mulberry Street. No ill words will be written here as Cha Cha was beloved by the eating community - his notion of the search for the Holy Grail in Italian pastry - the perfect Tiramisu was well known among the gurgitators. He once, post cannoli contest took Eater X and I into his restaurant to feed us, mind you after we had both eaten over twenty cannoli, his tiramisu. He needed to know what men, broken by cannoli shell, shellshocked by sugar, could find wrong with his tiramisu - we found nothing but ethereal sponginess - as if angel wing dust had mixed with Michelangelo's clouds.
Danza, in a final attempt to separate himself from being mistaken for John Stamos, decreed that Cha Cha’s favorite food, the mighty meatball would be consumed at the inaugural 2016 contest at San Gennaro. If this was the case, no eating contest - not the long standing MLE cannoli one, one which birthed the next generation of historic eaters like Marcos “Monster” Owens and Yasir “The Iron Stomach” Salem, could overshadow the Chi è Capo di Tutti Capi. Danza’s emissary sent word through coded zeppole balls that any MLE eater involved in the cannoli contest would, “Sleep with the fishes” - an obvious reference to the former all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant put out of business by “Hungry” Charles Hardy’s 7 hour stand-off with it’s buffet that left only discarded shrimp tails and trampled pickled ginger. The final message, delivered in person to MLE Madison Avenue headquarters by Danza’s Luca Brasi (Joe Piscopo as Joe Pesci had a prior obligation) was that the NJ underground competitive eating mob would issue a one day truce to allow MLE to eat competitively in Trenton. The edict came right from the top - John Bon Jovi (his original song title, “Dining on a Prayer” changed to maintain secrecy about his Consuma Nostra leadership.)
Thus, every Major League Eater, even the lethal food assassin Carmen “Cuthroat” Cincotti, will gather not at the Feast of San Gennaro for meatballs nor cannoli, but at 3pm Eastern, on Saturday, September 24, 2016 at the home of the Trenton Thunder, ARM & HAMMER Park for the World Famous Case’s Pork Roll Eating Championship. Pork Roll being the nostalgic meal most often requested at Wiggles, the basis for the Bada Bing club from “The Sopranos.”
The delicate balance of the established mainstream Major League Eating juggernaut and the upstart underground speed eating world will be maintained. No one needs to wake up to a seitan horse shaped head in their bed. Another Italian saying comes to stomach - “tarallucci e vino” which means after all the fighting and drama, we will end with cookies and wine, as it’s fine to go to bed with a full stomach but not an angry heart. Of course, as far as Tony Danza and Major League Eating…it will be, “polpette di carne di maiale a rotolo di maiale” or in the words of the immortal Mario Puzo, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” However, meatballs and pork rolls taste better warm.
Due to this post, Crazy Legs Conti is currently in the witness protection program under the name of, “Signor Emanuel Ravelli.”