Forget Scooter Libby. He's hung out to dry. Much too complicated for Bush to pardon him now. Yes, the Republican base wants it, but a pardon always admits guilt, and that's something that the Bush people cannot, never have, and will never do.
But Bush has too much in common with Paris Hilton -- too much natural sympathy with her to let her twist in the wind or languish in a Los Angeles jail. He should pardon her if he acts on his principles and his past behavior. Like Paris he moves from one folly and misadventure to another without regard to the consequences, never suffering remorse or understanding the consequences of his acts. The Los Angeles police calls such folks 51/50's -- armed and dangerous mental cases who can injure themselves or others. But we call them news makers or Republican presidents. Here goes -- my short list of reasons for Bush to pardon Paris:
1. Her activities distract the public from the war in Iraq in a big way and keep us all calmer. In jail she can't do this successfully, but free she can work her charms on the public mind. There is no insurgency in Iraq, no economic conference, no atom bomb in Iran, no starvation in Darfur that can stand up to the attack of Paris on the news media. She is far better than the surge in spreading the Bush optimism, and since we don't have a Michael Jackson charged with interfering with the underwear of small children to keep us amused and outraged these days we need our Paris free. Who thinks of the three thousand and more American solders dead and the thousands of casualties, not to mention the tens of thousand Iraqi maimed and dead when we have Paris, reminding us that life goes on in its merry way - particularly among the rich and famous. Why worry, America? As Rick said to Ilsa in Casablanca, or was it Ilsa to Rick? "We will always have Paris." And so we do.
2. Paris is responsible for keeping thousands of reporters, commentators, publishers, lawyers, Judge Judy and all those cable-news-sanitation-workers employed. Not to mention those pesky undocumented aliens who tend the family gardens and cook America's restaurant meals. So we can all live vicariously through the wealth of our betters without solving our immigration policy as long as Paris is free.
3. Paris stands for all that Republican legislation which attacks the inheritance tax and calls it the death tax. Think of where Paris would be if not for grandpa Conrad's hotel money.
Just another working girl in Vegas paying off the cops to loiter in the casinos and hotels. And she is such a fine role model for poor young girls who seek a lucrative career with no discernible talent but beauty and an interest in recreational sex. Speaking of sex - and that's always fun - she's a straight woman - no Ellen or Rosie - our Paris does it the right way, the American way. Say what you will about her, she will never demand to be married to Nicole Ritchie or Britney Spears. That in itself should earn her a pardon by Bush. We also have a duty to protect her from Large Marge and Big Betty in prison who wish to turn her into their prison bitch - the unspoken fantasy of our cable newscasters. We've all seen those prison movies. Although Bush as Governor never saw a prisoner on death row he wished to pardon rather than mock - here is a chance for him to show a bit of mercy to a girl who needs some. After all, she is our Princess Di, a martyr to privilege, our own first class train wreck.
4. Like Bush, Paris has her pornographic tapes. Hers was that plain, good 'ole American screwing (alas, I have never seen it, but I have heard tell it is right up there with Scarlet and Rhett in Gone With The Wind), while his pornographic tape is Abu Ghraib -- the torturing of prisoners -- which reveals his stalwart resolve to protect us at any cost - even if it means destroying our constitution and our traditional values. Together, their tapes record their misadventures, and the tapes don't seem to have hurt their standing in the great world. He should pardon her as a fellow tape maker, advancing the art of the American documentary film.
5. Paris, like Bush, has been nailed for DUI behavior. Only Bush's driving misadventures managed to get suppressed by his wealthy family. In this he has a friend in wife Laura, "Our Lady of the Libraries" with her youthful vehicular manslaughter - ready to stand with him behind this pardon. What's a few too many behind the wheel? The worst that can happen is that you kill a few innocent folks - far better than killing embryonic stem cells in the name of medical research, right?
6. With the public clamoring for Paris's incarceration, Bush can show once again that he doesn't give a damn about public opinion - that he is above it - by pardoning Paris. What a stick in the eye to those Democrats who keep sniveling about accountability and his failure to get rid of the egregious torture-loving Alberto Gonzales. You show 'em George!
7. For Bush, as the father of young daughters, the Paris pardon will send a message to the world that he still stands by his family values no matter how tested they are by a girl's violation and contempt for the law.
8. Our President with all his youthful misadventures with drugs and alcohol must sympathize with Mrs. Hilton and pardon her child. Here is a mother whom he can understand, one who regards her darlin' daughter as a martyr to the press, and has, like his own Barb Bush, turned a blind eye to youthful, coke-snorting hi-jinks. Momma Hilton may not be up to the high standards of a Barbara Bush, who shared her son's supreme indifference to the suffering of the Katrina survivors, but Momma Hilton is a Junior League version of Mama Bush who will stand by her child through thick and thin. Bush must stand up for such mothers and their tribulations by pardoning their progeny.
9. Remember 2000? Bush was the man all the men in white middle class America wanted to have a beer with - and so he was elected to rule the world. And a groveling MSM helped him do so. Paris is the girl that all the girls want to have a Cosmopolitan with and all the men want to go to bed with - and so she rules the news - which in our publicity culture means ruling the world. And a groveling press helps her do so. Despite their tsk-tsking, the MSM's admiration for the girl shines through - and a free press must be allowed to follow up every lead. No one will ever accuse them of neglecting to follow up on Paris as they did on the WMDs.
10. And finally, when Bush pardons Paris it will be the last chapter of No Child Left Behind. Paris may be old enough to understand the consequences of her acts, but she must not be the child left behind to rot in prison for a month, when she can rot in public for the rest of her life. Her failure to be educated properly, despite the private schools and tutors, reveals the failure of the American educational system and justifies more rigid testing of the young. More homework, America, or your child will become the next Paris with a condom in every backpack. She serves as both a source of admiration and a warning - a terrific combo.
11 & 12. Just as Bush urged us to shop our way to freedom during his war, Paris Hilton has lead the charge. She needs no American flag in her lapel to reveal her patriotism. She has replaced our national pride of WWII with our national Prada in the war on terror. As one who loves this country it warms my heart to know that the young, such as Paris, are doing their best to protect our country in its time of trial. As the Republican candidates have shown us, Americans want optimism - mixed with a dash of terror - and who is more slap-happy-yet-scary than Paris Hilton? Selfishly, as the grandfather of a 2-year-old toddler who is more interested in Dora the Explorer than Paris Hilton, I would like to see Paris out and about to exhaust her shelf life on the newsstands before my beloved child comes of age. I hope she can do that in the next decade or we are all lost. They used to say SEE PARIS AND DIE, but my motto for today is FREE PARIS AND LIVE!