Why Cats Are Abandoning Obama

Many independent voters are reconsidering their support of Barack Obama. Cats don't vote (because most are younger than 18), but they're as independent as you can get. And they're abandoning the president, too.

One reason felines have become disenchanted with Obama is the First Family's new Portuguese water dog. Cats have no problem with the pooch's ethnicity, but it's well known that most meowers don't like water and don't like dogs. Meatloaf sang "two out of three ain't bad." Cats feel otherwise.

And felines weren't happy to learn that Obama uses a teleprompter when giving speeches on TV. Gazing out of windows is like watching TV for cats, but they never use teleprompters to "gibber" at birds.

Pusses are also dismayed that Obama, in his efforts to overhaul America's health-care system, left a single-payer plan off the table. This reminds cats that their human guardians are always telling them: "Off the table!"

In addition, cats are irked that fighting ever-rising unemployment seems low on Obama's list of priorities. Since the "change we can believe in" guy took office, the jobless rate for cats has increased from 100% to 100%. This is change?

An apparently higher Obama priority is bailing out greedy, irresponsible banks. Given that cats tend to make deposits in litter boxes rather than banks, felines wonder why federal money hasn't been lavished on where THEY do their business.

Another top Obama priority is the expensive U.S. "surge" in Afghanistan that's causing more military and civilian deaths. Sensible cats prefer to fight only if they have a good chance of winning.

Finally, Obama is continuing many of the Bush administration's awful "war on terror" policies -- albeit in a "kinder, gentler" way. Cats believe that Obama's decision not to release photos of them at the local vet is another example of the president suppressing torture evidence.

Who will independent cats support for president in 2012 if they remain disenchanted with Obama? Certainly not Sarah Palin, who likes to kill Alaskan wildlife. Certainly not Mark Sanford, who had an Argentinian wild life. And certainly not cartoon cat Garfield, who has lasagna issues.

That leaves Dewey, "the small-town library cat who touched the world." Advantage: Dewey lived in Iowa -- a good place to start a presidential campaign. Disadvantage: Dewey is unfortunately dead, like the hopes many independents had for Obama.