I was chatting with a Worth Project member about a frustrating experience she had while getting her oil changed (is it never not a frustrating experience?). She was really annoyed because she didn’t think they had done a good job and now she was stuck driving 40 minutes out of her way to go back to her old mechanic that she trusted. Annoying.
As we were laughing about her ridiculous situation, I asked, “well if you were really upset about the job they did, did you at least ask for a discount?”
She stopped laughing and said “no.”
Why?
“I didn’t know I could.”
That’s something that I hear all the time. I talk with women about negotiating their salaries weekly and for the most part, most women know they can (whether they do is another story). But asking for something else? Anything else? That’s where we seem to hit a wall.
I’ll often hear from people who are bored or unfulfilled with their work. Or they feel stuck and overlooked. Or there’s something else that they think “wouldn’t it be nice if I…(could work from home, could travel less, could get put on that big project)”, but it ends there.
They never think to ask.
There’s no rule that says you can’t ask for things in those situations. But unfortunately, there’s no explicit rule that says you can ask for things in those situations. We are unwilling to break rules that we imagine exist.
In The Confidence Code, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman trace this unwillingness to break the rules back to grade school, where young girls are taught to study quietly and do as we’re told. We get rewarded for being compliant. So rule breaking? That feels a bit uncomfortable.
Bringing this rule breaking idea into your grown up life, you’ve likely heard the statistic that men apply for jobs when they meet 60% of the criteria but women only apply when they meet 100% of the criteria. A lack of confidence is often attributed to that statistic.
But Tara Sophia Mohr points out that it may not only be a confidence issue, it may be a rule issue as well. Woman may see “required qualification” and think “rule”, which leads them to not want to break it. That follow the rule mentality that was rewarded in grade school can have real costs in our adult life.
I’ve been really interested in this idea of uncovering the hidden rules that we impose on ourselves, and what cost they have on our grown up life. What are the things we just assume to be fact, when in fact they aren’t anything at all? And how can we start learning to identify these non-rules and make sure they don’t hold us back from not asking?
I got the opportunity quickly to push myself on this a few days later while I was looking for some maintenance work to be done on our house. We had been using the same company for a while, but I didn’t need the full service package they were offering. I called to see if they offered something smaller. When I was told that they only had one service level, I took this to be a rule. I started looking for another company that might better fit my needs.
As soon as I realized that I hadn’t explored the conversation further, that I was just upholding a perceived rule, I called back and asked. I explained the situation, used some super basic negotiating techniques, and I now have a different service option that is 25% less expensive.
They kept a customer and I got exactly what I needed. It was a win/win.
This is a small, basic example, but sometimes that’s the best place to start. When you’re learning to swim you don’t just dive into the deep end and see if you can figure it out. Starting small with this conversation is the equivalent of wading around in the shallow end. It’s my doggy paddle: breaking down the “rules” that I’m blindly obeying, so I can feel comfortable challenging and speaking up for bigger and better things.
To start challenging the non-rules you’re following, to get you ready to ask for anything, start small. Start with one bill, one purchase, or one simple ask.
What did you not think you could ask for?
Identify it. Is it really a “rule”? Can you ask for something different?
Once you start challenging and breaking down these rules you may just notice that there are fewer of them standing in your way and you’re more comfortable speaking up when you think there might be a chance you could ask for something different. When bigger opportunities come along, it won’t feel as intimidating to ask for things head on.
For more strategies to help you have the confidence to ask for more, join me at The Worth Project.