As an advocate at a trauma center for victims-survivors of violence, I notice that people often fixate on "Why didn't they (the victim) just leave?" in conversations about domestic violence. It seems like the simplest and most logical action for someone to take: if you’re being hurt, then remove yourself from the situation.
But when we ask this, we put the responsibility on victims-survivors to escape violent relationships or environments. We ignore all the obstacles that keep someone from being able to leave or even consider leaving, and put focus on the victim-survivor’s actions rather than the abuser's. We also ignore our roles and responsibilities in the situation - how we as friends, neighbors, family members, even strangers passing by could have stepped up to intervene and prevent violence.
Obstacles that victims-survivors face may include the following...
1. Misunderstanding & Miseducation.
If a person isn't made aware of or taught the signs and definitions of domestic violence, they won't understand what is happening to them (ex. The idea that domestic violence is only physical assault, not emotional intimidation or verbal harassment). If violent relationships are what they're used to directly experiencing or seeing in their families, communities, and media then it's also difficult to envision healthy relationships. Furthermore, if people aren’t provided information on local/national resources, programs, services, and outlets to get help and safely escape domestic violence, they may feel alone and isolated in their experience and trauma. This is not the fault of victims-survivors but rather the fault and responsibility of us as a society to improve and restructure as needed. We cannot blame individuals for the violence that they face due to a violent environment we have created and continue to maintain.
2. Dependency.
If a person relies on an abuser for financial security (ex. abuser threatens an unemployed transgender victim-survivor with pulling funds for hormones, medical needs, housing, food, school, etc. if they report or leave) then leaving means potentially sacrificing that security. If a person relies on an abuser for legal security (ex. abuser threatens to push for full custody of children or call ICE on an undocumented victim-survivor) then leaving means potentially being put at further risk. If a person relies on an abuser for emotional security (ex. abuser tells a queer victim-survivor who has been deprived of validation or celebration that no one else will ever love them) then leaving means potentially losing a key support person, even if they're violent. I often hear victims-survivors say "Yeah they hit me, but they didn't mean it. It wasn't a big deal, and it was my fault anyway. They really love me and I'm in love with them..."
3. Threats & Risk Assessment.
Abusers will tell victims-survivors that they'll hurt them more or kill them if they leave, then sometimes follow up with gaslighting techniques or statements of love and endearment. Abusers may threaten to hurt the victim-survivor’s children, pets, family members, friends, or co-workers, so they stay and endure further violence to protect others. Abusers may threaten to reveal victim-survivor's secrets (ex. out a queer or trans victim-survivor to their workplace or family if they leave or report) that would put the person’s life and wellbeing in further jeopardy. The victim-survivor ends up assessing the situation and may conclude that leaving or speaking out will create more violence. If they have already tried leaving or speaking out and was faced with disbelief by friends, blame or false arrest by law enforcement, or more domestic violence by a new partner, the victim-survivor may feel that their current violent situation is the lesser of evils.
There are plenty of additional obstacles to leaving, most of which increase in numbers and intensity for people with multiple marginalized identities facing intersecting systems of oppression, including black women. It’s important for us as service providers, friends, family members, and strangers to be more mindful and compassionate to all the factors keeping someone from just leaving a violent relationship or situation.
To learn more about resources for victims-survivors of domestic violence, and how to support victims-survivors, please click on the following sites:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233 or (800) 787-3224 (TTY) (also offers live chat on website)
- RAINN - Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network: (800) 656-4673 (also offers live chat on website)
- loveisrespect - Dating Abuse Helpline: (866) 331-9474 or text ”loveis” to 22522 (also offers live chat on website)
- DomesticShelters.org: Find 24/7 support and emergency shelters in your area
- No More: Includes great information on domestic violence, sexual violence, and resources