It’s been 48 hours since I posed my question (laden with assumptions) “Why Don’t Men Use Umbrellas?” on social media. The answers continue to flood in (perhaps I’ll need an umbrella to shield myself from the torrent?). The many “likes” suggest that in a political climate filled with mystifications and gaslighting, it’s a question that may be approached with relief. It can be answered without avoidance, qualification, adjudicating, and perambulating. And what would be the need or joy in lying?
Journalist Michael Hogan suggests that for men, “an umbrella implies over-weening vanity and wimpish fear of the elements.” He finds its use acceptable when “escorting one’s mother; graveside at a funeral …or on the golf course.” He suggests that a man who relies on a umbrellas may be missing something by not experiencing the bracing and refreshing tussle with the elements, for he might “arrive somewhere with an air of the outdoorsman …”’
I checked in with a spokesperson for the so-called younger generation who shared my curiosity. It seems his answer is a bit of a performance piece.
I decided to make it an official (what does that even mean nowadays?) inquiry when I discovered I had noted to a young man who arrived at my office a bit drenched, “You don’t strike me as an umbrella-type guy.” “You’ve mentioned that to me before.” Gee, I’m either developing memory loss, or I’m so delighted in my powers of discernment I’ve become a jerk. Or, more likely, gazing forlornly at my collapsed, on-its-way-to-fully-broken heap in the corner, I’ve vacillated over the years with my own ambivalence; attraction to the smallest umbrella in the universe, that fits in a tampon case and which might shield a small cat, and large, MOMA-designed status roofs that I just couldn’t negotiate. I wanted to hear from those who might be free of the struggle.
HERE’S WHAT I LEARNED FROM MY SAMPLE, BROKEN DOWN INTO FIVE CATEGORIES
MACHO IN SOME WAY, (Proving my supposition that men don’t use umbrellas):
“Shows weakness,” my first responder said. “They need to make a manly umbrella – with flames and WWF wrestlers on it.
“Because it’s only water.”
“I wear an Akubra hat, meant for the outback and designed for the rain” said the J. Peterman catalog writer-wanna-be proudly.
“Never! A coat. A hat. And never gets in anyone’s way.”
“I’m tall. And it ties up one of my hands.”
“We aren’t used to carrying things around with us. We generally don’t have handbags and it feels unnatural to be encumbered by anything.
“Not macho!”
“Because any hair style is fine” (implying that a mussed and wet head is A-Okay with him.)
THE PRACTICAL FELLOWS:
“I keep losing them. Or they break.”
“You could put an eye out”
“A slicker is the truly logical way to go. Ask any sailor!”
“I don’t like dealing with them when they’re idling” (like a Jaguar in the corner?)
“I’m a golfer, and it’s important to stay dry in the rain”
“We tend to be free of many of the accessories that women have on hand.”
“Scary stuff, they attract lightning. No one should use them, should be banned.” (note to self: investigate this!)
“We are just too stupid to bring them”
THE DEFIANT ONES
“I use an umbrella all the time. Even on a sunny day.”
“Umbrellas are awesome, you been hanging with the wrong dudes!
“I do, but then again I’m half-English, so…”
“I use them all the time. Even when I am sleeping.”
THE COUNTRY OF ORIGIN ISSUE
“Too British”
“I’m American, not British, thank God”
THE WHIMSICAL
“We have smiles.” (At first I was mystified, and then I remembered the old song.)
“Umbrellas are for magical nannies”
“Because I don’t believe it’s raining.”
And........MY FAVORITE ONE, FOR SHEER CHUTZPAH:
“Rain avoids me.”
I should note that a few women wrote as well, expressing the frustration that umbrellas are “cumbersome and easy to lose.”
Watch this space for future equally scientific inquiries from Binnie Klein, such as “Why Can’t People Negotiate Four-Way Stops?” “Why Did the Young Grocery Store Clerk Ask Me What One Does With the Small Containers of Cottage Cheese?”