Remember the frenzied hormones and the awkward confusion about getting to first base, second base or third base as an adolescent? How intoxicating a first kiss could be?
Attraction based on chemistry as a young teen is biologically designed to ensure that our species continues -- this is driven by parts of our brain which seek survival through procreation, by diligently pumping us full of turned-on feelings through the biochemicals which only seek one thing -- hot make out sessions and a sense of blinding "Oh I know I shouldn't/not ready/want to wait but it FEELS so good!"
In my private coaching practice, I hear many single women in particular who are wanting lasting long-term partnership yet say they feel confused about attraction and dating. Because of this. they often jump into sex before it is clear that they are even a fit.
Here's the deal:
Immature love seeks chemistry, attraction, the intoxicated high that leads to sex early on before compatibility is established.
Mature love waits to see if you are heading in the same direction, if your values are aligned and if you communicate well. Mature love asks if you feel like you can be you with this person.
If you rush into sexuality too soon you may set yourself up for the highs and lows of heartbreak because once you have sex, ladies, you are most likely gonna get emotionally attached.
Then the emotions start clouding your vision and before you know it -- you regret that you did not set a boundary for yourself, you recognize that there is no shared capacity of emotional connection or you are feeling needy of his approval -- and you might not even be that into him!
It's amazing how many women want to know that they are wanted -- even if they do not want the man they are dating!
Distinguishing where you are at is a crucial developmental stage for healthy, mature authentic love. The ability to slow down, and create what I call 'Dating Sobriety Checkpoints' for yourself allows you to take good care of your heart and connect more openly with another.
If you recognize yourself in these words, read on about how to create 'Dating Sobriety Checkpoints.'
Dating Sobriety Check Points for Authentic Love
1. Create a list of what VALUES you are looking for in a mate.
2. Create a list of your RED FLAGS -- areas where you know you fall out of line with yourself (sleep with him too soon, withhold telling him directly that you are seeking partnership instead of a hookup, or if you overlook red flags that your intuition may be telling you to pay attention to).
3. After the date (and before sex) -- look at your lists. Ask yourself -- does he line up with my values? Am I in red flag territory?
4. From here, you choose to go on the next date or to NOT go on next date.
I teach about the developmental stages of Authentic Love and using these Dating Sobriety Checkpoints is one of the many ways we cultivate self-trust and emotional maturity in relationship.
By choosing wisely for ourselves in this specific area, we are able to measure our emotional development by preparing the soil for partnership versus falling into teenage intoxicated turn on, or as Beyonce says, become 'Drunk In Love.'
We develop a maturity that allows us to take exquisite care of our hearts by checking for compatibility, values, if we are heading in the same direction in life, if we can communicate easily, which sets us up for lasting love.
If this was helpful for you, I'd love to hear your comments below. If you know someone it would serve, please pass it along.
Stay tuned for the next blog with more tips on how to create Authentic Love: The Artistry of Extraordinary Relationship.