POLITICS

Why Every 2016 Candidate Should Get Out While They Still Can

Everyone in the race has a reason to quit. Who wants this thankless job, anyway?

By now, if you're one of the people who decided to embark on the strange and wonderful journey of becoming president, you've probably experienced a lot of personal highs. You've traveled to far-flung parts of the country and met some great people. You've gotten your mug on television and have been chased down by reporters. You've met some of our weirdest billionaires, eaten some state fair food and participated in a candidate debate. What an experience this has been! 

Well, hope you took some 'Grams because it's time to get out while the getting's good.

What? You don't understand what we're talking about? Look, we're going to let you in on a little secret. "President of the United States" is a terrible and thankless job that doesn't pay well and subjects you to relentless criticism. The power's not all it's cracked up to be and the perks get old. Plus, any time something goes wrong in the world, you're the first person everyone calls. 

 This job sucks, and if you're smart, you'll let someone else do it. Besides, every single one of you has a good reason to quit the race. Maybe you're not aware of it, but trust us, we've seen it. And on this week's First To Last, we'll tell each of you the reason it's time for you to make your Irish goodbye.

RANK CANDIDATE
1
HILLARY CLINTON
You have more money than God, nearly as much fame -- and you don't look like you're enjoying running for president at all. Escape.
2
JEB BUSH
Good God, man, the most exciting thing that's happened to you so far is you won Eric Cantor's endorsement. Take your weight loss and run with it.
3
MARCO RUBIO
You're young, you've still got student loans and a fresh face that could get bruised in this Trumped-up slap-fight. Buy yourself a larger boat and sail away, sail away, sail away.
4
BERNIE SANDERS
Bernie, you're a great guy. But some of your most dedicated Twitter followers are feeling the Bern way too much. Cool those jets.
5
DONALD TRUMP
Dude, you have lost a ton of prestige for a job you don't even want. Why go on? Eject.
6
SCOTT WALKER
Wow, this is a lot harder than you thought it was gonna be, isn't it? Take a powder.
7
BEN CARSON
We can't get our heads around the fact that you used to be so good at something so hard -- and now you're doing the opposite. Stay in your lane.
8
MIKE HUCKABEE
At this point, you're probably in a good position to up your salary at Fox. Get back to it before you blow it.
9
TED CRUZ
More than almost anyone else, Donald Trump stole your thunder. Retreat.
10
RAND PAUL
Remember a minute ago when we said almost anyone else? Recharge.
11
JOHN KASICH
Ever get the nagging sensation that this is probably as good as it's ever going to get? Peace out.
12
CARLY FIORINA
It's wrong you have to fight CNN to get into the debate, but what a sad thing to be fighting for. Take it on the arches.
13
LINDSEY GRAHAM
Whoa, Lindsey, you said that you were gonna beat Donald Trump's brains out? Man, you better really mean that! If not, you've got to hit the bricks.
14
CHRIS CHRISTIE
And how are you gonna let Lindsey Graham become the anti-Trump alpha dog? Son, hit the showers.
15
MARTIN O'MALLEY
You can stay because we need someone to end lists with.
Candidate Photos: Getty, Associated Press
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