I am endorsing Mr. Donald J. Trump.
I endorse him despite his lack of constitutional awareness, such as proposing we ban (temporarily) an entire religion from entering the country and wanting to mandate the death penalty by executive action.
I endorse him despite his tendency to contradict himself whenever it is conducive.
I do this regardless of his history of failed businesses and him regularly (and currently) being sued by people who call him a fraud and a crook.
I can look past his rationale that beating up a homeless person just shows the assailants "love this country and they want this country to be great again. They are passionate."
I endorse him despite his bragging about multiple affairs while married and with married women.
I endorse him even with his sad pandering to evangelical voters.
I endorse him despite the fact that he thinks so little of his backers that he believes he could murder someone in the middle of the street and not lose a single vote.
I endorse him despite his casinos, despite his claim he is going to make Mexico pay for something they don't want, despite his plan to kill the wives and children of suspected ISIS sympathizers, despite his making fun of people with disabilities, despite his call for more grotesque forms of human torture, and despite the fact that he barely speaks in complete sentences.
No, my endorsement overlooks all those other things. The reason I am endorsing Mr. Trump is because it is the only way I can think of to get him out of here and ensure we can Keep America Great.
They are searching for someone with the following qualities:
• Team leadership and staff management ("I employ thousands and thousands of people.")
• Retail (experience in Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump The Game, etc.)
• Heritage and conservation ("We have to be great stewards of this land. This is magnificent land. And we have to be great stewards of this land.")
• Building maintenance ("Nobody builds better walls than me.")
There you have it. He is unequivocally qualified. I'm all in. Sign me up. I'll make a donation. Let's support Trump for Port Lockroy Assistant. I'll order the hats.