Why I Believe In Monogamy -- a Response to Barrett Pall

I decided to log into YouTube one night and browse the videos in my subscriptions folder. This has become a regular occurrence for me. I would even go so far as to say that YouTube has taken up the majority of the time I used to spend watching television. It's a platform I respect and appreciate. With so many unique voices around the world, sites like YouTube allow us to connect with those voices and inspires us to use our own voice to express our views.

That's exactly what I felt the need to do after watching Barrett Pall's recent video on monogamy. In the clip, he asks lots of questions, rather than take a firm stance on the issue. He makes sure to let the viewers know that he doesn't intend to pass judgement either way. As a result, he reveals that he's not even sure himself whether or not he believes in monogamy. He's still young, so he's got plenty of time to figure it out.

I, on the other hand, stand firmly in place as a monogamous person. I do believe in monogamy and I don't need to ask myself any questions to be sure. It's a no-brainer for me. One of the points Pall makes is how social media influences our take on monogamy. Since we're constantly fed images and videos of people we're attracted to on social media, Pall says, it makes it harder for us to commit to one person. I feel this is a pretty weak argument. No matter how committed you are to your significant other, you will always feel attraction to others. We can't help our feelings. We can, however, control whether or not we act on those feelings.

Just because we're sexually attracted to someone, it doesn't mean we want to have sex with them. Being attracted to someone and wanting to engage in sexual contact with that person are two different things. I wouldn't mind if I was in a relationship with someone who followed a bunch of male models on Instagram or reblogged racy images on Tumblr. I would, however, have a big problem with them having sex with someone other than myself.

I am very protective of my body and health. If my partner is having sex with other people, it would put us at greater risk of catching STDs. But more importantly, it would cause a painful jealousy to rise within me. First of all, there's the obvious fear of losing that person. Your partner may say it's just sex and you're the one they come home to. But it doesn't mean they won't fall for that person and leave you out in the dust. As I said, we can't control our feelings.

Second of all, it would show itself to be the ultimate sign of disrespect. I value sex. It's very special and important to me. I can't possibly view sex as something nonchalant. It's not possible. So, if my partner had sex with someone else, it would show that he doesn't value sex. If he did, he wouldn't be giving it away to others so easily. I would've been lied to. If you're in a relationship with me, everything is communicated. Nothing is off-limits. So, we would've agreed to be monogamous if we got that far in the relationship.

Communication is so important. I hold no judgement towards anybody. Whatever relationship structure works for you is fine. As long as everything is clearly communicated and nobody is getting hurt, I see no problem with it. Just make sure not to agree to be monogamous if you feel otherwise. Even if you're not sure what you want, you must communicate that to your partner. No relationship can work if it's based on lies and deception.

Another point Pall makes in his video is that you won't always see eye-to-eye with someone. That may be true, but I feel you should always see eye-to-eye when it comes to sex. That's a very vulnerable and intimate part of yourself that you're sharing with someone. He also mentions the increasing divorce rates and how cheating is contributing to failing marriages. He seems to suggest that others should be more open to the possibility of a different relationship structure.

I disagree. I think the problem is that there wasn't clear communication. One partner agreed to be in a relationship they knew wasn't right for them. As a result, they ended up hurting the other person. When it comes to sex, we shouldn't have to do things we're not comfortable with. I'm not trying to put words in Pall's mouth. I don't think that's what he was suggesting. However, some of us are monogamous and some of us aren't. If we expressed ourselves clearly, we would find people we're compatible with. We would find the right relationship structure for us, rather than trying to conform in order to please our partner.

At the end of the day, we need to be our true selves in an unapologetic way. We can't give into a fear of rejection by pretending to be someone we're not. A relationship like that wouldn't be worth it. It's always worth the risk of rejection. Then we can weed out the ones who aren't right for us and eventually find the right person. It's not a question of whether or not you believe in monogamy. It's a question of whether or not you're being honest about who you are. That's the first step towards a happy and healthy relationship.