Let me tell you something very important about women. It may be the best advice you’ll ever get (aside from the super accurate advice from your male best friend). As a top expert on the psyche of the female (I don’t mean to brag, but I do have a lot of experience in this area), I feel that I have a message that may save your life. Your sex life that is.
Let’s just get real here for a minute—your whole life as you know it, meaning the life and times of your penis, could hang in the balance until you get this golden nugget of wisdom.
Let me explain. At some point in the late ‘80s probably starting with 2 Live Crew’s “Me So Horny” lyrics ―“I’m like a dog in heat, a freak without warning, I have an appetite for sex, ‘cause me so horny”—communication in the dating world took a raunchy turn.
When 2 Live Crew ejaculated onto the scene, I was in my teens. Although they did make me feel sick to my stomach, I could still roll with it. Now that I’m “mature” I’d rather swallow swords than talk dirty like that. Call me Victorian. Call me a prude. Either way it fits. My point is I can’t deal with sexting. And I’m not alone.
If you think that women want you to text them about your member or Johnson you are sadly mistaken. The majority of women I’ve come across tell me that when they get a sext, they feel a mixture of embarrassment and the need to make fun of you (and they do.) They have no idea how to respond and they’re afraid of what it says about them that they can’t carry on a conversation like Madison Ivy.
So, please before you hit send STOP and read below instead.
Here are five ways to sexually horrify and permanently creep out a really awesome woman you just started dating:
1. After dating for a short time you may make the mistake of being overly confident about the sexual chemistry between the two of you and text her to say how “f**** horny you are.” During the day. While she’s at work.
2. Ask her what she’s wearing. During the day. Whiles she’s at work. (Newsflash: She’s going to assume that you’re masturbating to her picture in the bathroom stall at work like creepy creeperson or the poor guy from the movie Shame.)
3. Ask her to send you a pic of her. During the day. While she’s at work. (Is there a pattern here?)
4. Her text: “Hi.” You respond with all the things you’d like to do to her the next time you see her (includes graphic details, exclamation points and eggplant emoticons.)
5. When she texts you “good morning, smiley face” you respond with an image of your penis—in real time. (Newsflash: she’ll wonder if you ever take your hand off your own crotch to get any work done).
The moral of the story is, women in real life do not become more like porn stars in relation to the amount of pornography you watch. Women in real life want to be romanced with a nice bit of subtlety. For starters, say something about how beautiful she is. Women don’t want you to go for the gold, they want you to warm up your A-game first. The slippery slope of sexting starts when you’re inspired to use words like “sticky” or “moist” (unless you’re trying to describe your cinnamon bun).
Heed my warning. If your new girl responds to your digital advances with a super awkward “that sounds nice”, all smiley face emoticons or crickets then you are definitely in the no-sex- with-her-ever-again-zone. When you’ve managed to build a rapport then go ahead and let loose, but not at first. Don’t be the guy they remember as the sext fiend. Be the texting whisperer. You’ll get much further, guaranteed. Smiley face.
What are your experiences with sexting—love it or hate it? Comment below!