Why I Hid a White Silk Dress in Shame: A True Story About Transforming Creative Fears Into Magic

Why I Hid a White Silk Dress in Shame: A True Story About Transforming Creative Fears Into Magic
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What I'm about to tell you is not a pretty story. To be honest, I've never told this to anyone. But I think it's time to share it. Because you might recognize parts of it as your own story.

In 2010 -- when I was still convinced I was Most Definitely Not Creative -- I visited the exhibition Wasted, created by Tomoko Mukaiyama.

Tomoko Mukaiyama is an amazing Dutch-Japanese pianist, performer and visual artist. In a large hall she created a cave-like environment with 12,000 white silk dresses. It felt like I entered heaven.

People immediately started to whisper, wide eyed with wonder, walking bare foot with their fingers wide spread so they could touch the fabric. The soft white material touched our skins like butterfly kisses.

It was true magic.

When I exited the hall all women were asked to be part of a new art work. We had to leave our name and were given a white silk slip dress. Our assignment: create something that will inspire Tomoko Mukaiyama's next work.

"Yes," I said immediately "I would love to be part of this magic."

I went to the table where Tomoko Mukaiyama stood with her assistants. She watched all the women hurdled around the table, looked me straight in the eye and said: "You will make something extraordinary."

I walked home on Cloud Nine. The muses were wide awake. They sung me songs. They jumped over themselves with joy.

"Make a painting, Sleep in it, Make it dirty with your own blood, Tear it apart, Make a shrine, Roll through the mud, Make a movie..."

But within 15 minutes the other voices started to shout.

"You can't do that. Really, that's not very original. Yes, that's already been done. Seriously Esther. Have you gone mad. What will the Real Artists think!"

"Tomoko Mukaiyama thinks you'll make something extraordinary. You can't make just anything."

"Oh my god! It has to be superb. You have to rock her world. Hell, you have to rock THE world. Think Woman. Think! Damn, make it Big, Bold and Beautiful."

The monsters kicked me in the back, beat their fists on my head, hissed in my ears...

"You are Most Definitely Not an Artist. Don't you think that was a little bit silly accepting that dress? You're spoiling an assignment that has been given to you by someone who trusted you. You are not going to make anything... you know that don't you?"

Suddenly my whole body ached, my face felt numb. When I came home I hid the dress in shame. I hid it under a stack of old T-shirts. Goodbye White Fairy Virgin Dress.

Even though I didn't see it, I knew it was there. I could hear it knocking on the inside of the door. Every time an email arrived, asking me for my contribution: Dear Esther, where is your art work? We need it. I froze. The Horror of it all.

I wish I could tell you I made a meaningful artwork after all. But I didn't. This is a sad and very real tale of how I listened to the voices of Creative Fear and how I allowed them to trash my joyful Muses.

But, hold on... there is a happy ending.

Because I didn't had a clue back then. I had no idea my creativity is borderless. That we're all Beautiful Creative Souls. That we really -- really -- can create everything when we've got the right tools.

I had no idea that within four years I would be teaching women how to use those tools.

  • Would this happen to me again? No way!
  • Would I be scared? You betcha!
  • Would I bow and obey the voices of Creative Fear? Are you mad? Never Again!
  • Would I play small and live a Black and White life when there is full color? No, not in a Million Year.

I've learned how to lean into fear. I've learned how to choose Joy over Fear. I've learned how to transform fears into the miracles that make dreams come true.

I've made it my mission to teach women to let go of perfectionism and lean in to fear.

Make no mistake! These women are no Shy Mouses. It's always the Courageous Brave One who got stuck. Perfectionism -- the size of Mount Fuji -- can prevent us from hearing the calling of our Soul.

Feeling happy and achieving your goal is almost impossible when fear and perfectionism are bullying your mind like a mad hurricane. But I see Mount Fuji make way for clarity and happiness. I see it happening with my own clients. Time and time again.

I feel it happening in my own life. Every day.

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Yesterday evening I skipped television and resisted Facebook. I created page after page in my tiny Art Journal. Like little kittens the Muses played with my crayons, pencils and paint.

Every time the Mean Voices hissed: "That's not very deep and meaningful don't you think? Maybe you should stop. It's not like you're an artist..." the happy kittens raised their little heads, hissed with confidence, and chased away the ugly spoilsport.

It was true magic.

I'd love you to start sparking your creativity too. I've created the free Creative Fire Starter Kit, for every women who chooses love, magic and confidence over fear and perfectionism.

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