I’m the lady women come to when they’ve left toxic relationships and are looking to heal.
I’m the one they trust with shifting their perception so they can stand in their power. I’ve helped many women with this, and my work has been so fulfilling.
Until I felt like a fraud.
I fell for another toxic person.
You see, five years ago I started a blog with the tag line FEARLESS. I was so sick of making decisions based on fear.
I could trace every outcome I didn’t like to a decision I had made because I was afraid of something.
And, ironically, even with all of the fear I’ve overcome and taught others to overcome, that's exactly why I needed this last toxic relationship. I had allowed fear to rule over faith.
In my previous toxic relationship, I was lied to. I felt controlled. I felt manipulated, emotionally and legally. I felt isolated. I felt undermined.
This time it was much worse:
I felt like property.
I felt like I was there only to please him.
I felt like my feelings were worthless.
I felt devalued constantly.
I felt stifled in ways I have never felt stifled before (and couldn’t imagine).
I felt worthless, even as I tried so hard to demonstrate love.
I felt unloved.
I was anxious.
My blood pressure got dangerously high.
Even as I’m sure it appeared wonderful from the outside, and even as I kept trying to force it to work, I was miserable.
And still, I kept trying to make it work, even when my heart and my head knew it wasn’t working (pretty much from the beginning).
I can’t explain why I let it go on as long as I did, or get as involved as it did, other than that I am a teacher, and until I’ve truly learned something (usually through experience), I won’t teach it.
Even though I thought I knew so much about toxic relationships and how to heal from them, I didn't know the full value they provide. Yes, value. And I have set the intention to be an amazing coach, so the universe delivered the situation that would most profoundly help me with that.
This most powerful lesson taught me these things:
1 I’m here to teach about the full narcissistic spectrum and how to release from it entirely.
I guide women who have been in toxic relationships back to their empowerment, and I had not, as it so happens, experienced the depths of the narcissistic cycle until this last relationship.
My goal is to be of highest service, and we all know, what we ask for the Universe delivers.
I thought I was prepared to help before. Now? It’s on.
(More to come soon on just how I released myself from this cycle in its entirety.)
2 How impatience activates outcomes we won’t like.
Yes, I followed my own healing system before I shared it with others and I healed from the toxic marriage I was in.
Yes, I wrote the Champion Letter and knew he would come.
No, I did not stay patient.
I wanted the desire I had set forth and I wanted it *now*, so I forced something that wasn’t true. I did not allow it to grow organically, and because I was in that state of mind, I was highly susceptible to being prey.
3 Why we need to follow your damn intuition every single time.
I let fear get in the way.
The fear that I wouldn’t find someone got triggered, and it was that very day that I met the person who would teach me this powerful lesson.
Make no mistake: I am grateful.
I see every man as God in drag, there to teach me something more, and to help me become the highest version of myself.
4 Why we must be ruthless about our focus and faith.
For all of the havoc narcissists wreak, they have an important lesson to teach us. They are masters of creating their own reality. They absolutely refuse to see any part of their world not being the way they want it to be.
Now obviously, we don't want to be ruthlessly cruel like they are.
But we can take a page from their book and apply it in a better way.
What we desire is our higher selves talking to us. It’s not wrong to want what we want. And in order to realize our desires in this reality, we have to have unwavering focus and unwavering faith.
The difference between us and sociopaths is using our intuition. We must tune into our higher selves.
And remember: no one else - no parent, no friend, no coach - can tell you what your gut is telling you. They can guide your focus, and they can help you keep the faith, yes. But you have to trust what your heart tells you. Not the romanticized heart we all hear about. The heart of who you are - where your intuition speaks to you.
This relationship and the aftermath made me question myself to my core.
It also made me dig deeper than I ever have to hold to faith and watch as seemingly miraculous outcomes occurred.
I had more to learn because I have more to teach.