Why I Stopped Kissing My Husband

"For the love of my baby soft lips and cheeks, I have to call a kissing time out."

Because beard. 

Oh. What? You thought this would be a heartwarming tale about our romance and the title was just click bait? False.

I will no longer be kissing my husband until some, most, or hopefully ALL of his bushy, bedraggled, bear-like beard is gone.

I'm not saying he isn't handsome or lovable. In fact, I like the way the beard looks. He keeps it extremely clean, it always smells delightful, and it gives him just the right amount of hipster edge to keep a young thing like me interested.

However, for the love of my baby soft lips and cheeks, I have to call a kissing time out.  Jody always kisses me goodbye whenever we part ways. That love comes at a price for my poor face. Even a peck on the lips is like kissing a sexy cactus. I live in fear daily that I will become lost within the beard, or be suffocated slowly by the strong strands of manhood. My husband knows the beard is overwhelming, so he pokes his lips out as far as they will possibly go, I pucker my little lips out as far as they will possibly go, I stretch my neck away from my body to protect myself from any potential beard contact, and we "kiss".

THAT'S NOT ROMANTIC! NICHOLAS SPARKS WOULD NOT WRITE ABOUT US!

I need a full embrace, a long, smooshy kiss that comes dangerously close to hanky-panky in the church parking lot, and then a blushing goodbye as we realize the children are in the van and the deacons are aghast in their cars. 

I asked him for a selfie and this is what he sent me. He can't be trusted, but neither can I, because now it's on the Interne
I asked him for a selfie and this is what he sent me. He can't be trusted, but neither can I, because now it's on the Internet. You're welcome, darling.

I'm not sure what other steps to take besides a total beard embargo. No more trading kisses with the First Allison Rebecca Trading Society (I worked really hard to make the embargo reference work by creating a fake trading company and I tried especially hard to make the acronym spell F.A.R.T.S.). Seriously, what else is there to do? I have mentioned shaving the beard, trimming the beard, even putting the beard up for adoption for those men whose faces are nude and cold. He always responds with an adamant head shake.  What else is left to say but "These lips are off limits until further notice, sir!"

Here's the tricky part about the embargo:

My resolve on this issue is going out the window as soon as he leaves tomorrow morning. I won't be able to resist a goodbye kiss even if it involves ordering questionable salves from foreign internet companies to heal beard burn. I just love that man, bristly beard and all. 

Help me. Is anyone else married to or dating a bearded fellow?  Do you have rules? Does your face hurt? Do you use a special cream for your skin? Do you love the beard? Hate the beard? Braid the beard? I'm desperate for all the advice from all the view points. Teach me your ways!

See more from Allison Pickett at allisonpickett.wordpress.com 

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