During my first year of being out of the service, I use to have the same nightmare. The memories and emotions hit me hard every night as I’d wake up my heart pounding and body drenched in sweat. Each time, the images of war seemed more real than ever before.
In 2007, I had been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress and the wait at the local VA clinic was around 45 days before I was able to see someone. With Post Traumatic Stress, I spent a majority of my days either feeling aggressive and hyper-vigilant or closed off, fearful of the outside world. I often felt that leaving my house was just like being out on the roads of Iraq again.
A lot of what I saw during war weighed on me, and I was missing the camaraderie of the military more than anticipated. For four years, I had served next to men and women who knew what it meant to be part of a team and do what was necessary to complete the mission. It gave me a sense of pride and purpose, unlike anything I have ever experienced. But when I left the service, everything felt unfamiliar and uncomfortable as a war zone. I didn't have the friends like I had in the Marines and often felt I had no sense of purpose.
At the suggestion of a close friend, I found writing during my sophomore year in college. After years of feeling alone and isolated, writing gave me a jolt of energy and motivation I had only felt when I was in the military. I was able to battle my thoughts and fears on paper. It made me vulnerable but in a way where I was able to dive deep into the memories of war and feel safe. The more I wrote my memories, the more I felt the weight start to disappear. I was able to free myself from the survivor’s guilt I felt, remove the responsibility of every decision made or situation that happened during the supply convoys I drove on. It changed me and allowed me to start my journey to healing.
When I write, there are times I'm afraid of what images and memories might come out. Nothing about war is ever easy for me. At times, I still think of the good and bad days out in Iraq. The more I write about those days, the more they become easier to face. Writing gives me a chance to conquer fear and the emotions associated with war. I can create new relationships and rebuild on past ones with my stories after years of keeping them to myself. Writing has given me a renewed sense of purpose