Why I'll Never Grow Old Gracefully

While I was at the car wash the other day, I noticed a sign on the wall that read, "Thursday is Seniors Day: Seniors 50 and over get $4 off any wash."

Even though I turned 50 last October, I still don't think of myself as a senior. I may be another year older and wiser and I may get a few more discounts, but I simply refuse to age gracefully.

Cosmetic companies, dermatologists, dentists, and plastic surgeons are making billions of dollars on people like me. When the time comes, I won't hesitate to get a nip, tuck, tweak, or overhaul, if necessary.

I'm someone who has to look her best, especially for work. I'm an etiquette expert and most people expect me to look polished and nearly perfect.

That's why I'm determined to do everything in my power to keep from looking old. Why let nature take its course when you can persuade it to take a detour? Today, there's no reason to grow old with grace, unless of course, you're married to her.

I used to be able to get ready and out the door in one hour or less. Now I have to give myself more time. My internal engine needs a jump-start most mornings. An extra cup of coffee generally does the trick.

I have invested in all kinds of gadgets to keep myself looking good. If a body part needs sloughing, buffing, or puffing, no problem, I've got a tool for that. I've got a body brush, face brush, and toothbrush. I've got lotions and potions, creams and gels.

If it can sag or bag, it gets hydrated and lubricated. Every six weeks or less, I get plucked, cut and colored. I take vitamins, probiotics, omega-3 and calcium supplements. I've tried Botox, colonics, acupuncture, dermabrasion, bonding and bleaching.

I wish I was a natural beauty, but I'm not. But with a little help from Estée Lauder, Trish McEvoy, and Laura Mercier, I can easily transform myself from glum to glam. The sun is my enemy and sunscreen is my best friend.

To maintain a more youthful appearance, I follow a 12-step program each night before bed.
  1. Remove eye make-up.
  2. Cleanse face.
  3. Brush teeth.
  4. Floss teeth.
  5. Apply eye cream.
  6. Apply face serum.
  7. Apply moisturizer.
  8. Apply lip balm.
  9. Apply eyelash conditioner.
  10. Apply menopause cream to arm.
  11. Apply hand cream.
  12. Brush hair.

If my husband and I are feeling frisky and I want to get to bed sooner, I skip steps 6, 8, 11 and 12. I once read that sexual frustration can send people reeling into old age and nothing protects your skin's collagen and releases beta endorphins like a good orgasm. I'm all for that.

I try to get eight or nine hours of beauty sleep every night. And I eat well too. Green, leafy vegetables revive skin tissues and make your skin glow, so I start my day with a green drink consisting of spinach, kale, pears, broccoli stems, cucumbers and apples. I avoid red meat, nitrates, or processed foods.

To keep in shape, I exercise at least three times a week. I take classes in spinning, body sculpting, Zumba, and yoga. I walk my dogs.

Sure, I know that aging is inevitable, but what's the harm in wanting to fight it every step of the way?

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

8 Guidelines For Stress-Free Aging