Unlike the seemingly never-ending parade of superheroes in the movies, our “hero,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions, has bravely jumped up to protect us from all those “evils” which do not actually threaten us. While a more reasonable (and more rational) person might have have resigned in light of his questionable ties to Russia, Sessions has persevered, working successfully to alienate as many Americans as possible. His abrasive, fact-hating, contrarian style might work well for the star of some redneck moonshine reality show, but hasn’t quite worked so well at endearing him to the group of skeptical and unsympathetic public critics he has inspired. Bottom line: Sessions needs to resign, be fired, or in light of his less than completely honest testimony to Congress, enter witness protection and be relocated to Siberia. Won’t Russia welcome back their long lost “comrade”?
Sessions is clearly a threat to our nation’s well-being, much like a hidden killer clown is a threat to all who unknowingly roam their neighborhood streets at night. Sessions is annoyingly oppositional, compulsively combative, transparently deceptive, and always brilliantly incoherent in his legal musings. It is painful to watch the manner in which Sessions frequently irritates even the most patient of souls unfortunate enough to be around him. But embarrassingly, it is almost equally as fun to watch as he is consistently astounded by the realization that people don’t appear to like him. Again, much like a killer clown, Sessions most often waits in the public shadows, looking to terrify all citizens who are unaware of his clownish mockery of intelligence.
The Attorney General also seems to have a highly selective memory, somewhat like a smarmy crack dealer who’s been asked about the origin of the “rocks” of crack cocaine in his pocket. Chief among his failures of memory is his failure to recall the full scope of his interactions with prominent Russians during testimony to the Senate at his confirmation hearing. Some years before that, he exhibited a questionable understanding of ethics and responsibilities in many of his public service activities, which is why he was once denied appointment as a federal judge by that same Senate. His accounts of his past activities have frequently mirrored the accuracy of a man in a pub playing darts in a drunken stupor.
Additionally, his knowledge of the law appears to be a little sketchy. In his official attempts to disguise his personal religious beliefs as “legal imperatives,” he comes across as a stubborn and snarky bully. He is seemingly incapable of defending his own ideas (using the term loosely), and is given to acting out something similar to toddler-like “tantrums” when he is frustrated by his own lack of eloquence (in other words, he’s a bit “slow”).
Sessions has exhibited an unnatural attraction to a renewed “war on drugs.” Given that the last “war” was denounced as an abject failure by all but the most enfeebled minds, his efforts have begun to appear like some kind of odd fetish. His proclamation that “Good people don’t smoke marijuana” likely sticks in the craw of every veteran (whom he is insulting with those words) who has found relief from medical marijuana, and anyone else who finds relief from illness through its use. And, the assertion that Marijuana is a “Gateway Drug” may be acceptable in the context of bloated political rhetoric, but the term is also applicable to virtually every other intoxicating substance, including alcohol. So clearly, if Attorney General Sessions has ever taken a drink of alcohol, as would be the case for anyone that has ever taken “a hit off a joint,” we can expect him to be severely addicted to heroin very shortly.
It is an epic understatement to say that his attitudes towards marijuana legalization anger officials in states where it was made legal for recreational use. Sessions has suggested that smoking marijuana is not like consuming a drink of alcohol, but actually much worse. He makes such statements without modesty or hesitation, though it is unlikely that they will be included in any speeches to the families of those killed by drunk drivers. Sessions thus implies that states can effectively regulate liquor, but not weed. So much for the “conservative belief in the right of states to determine their own priorities.” (It is the unrepentant act of a “Poo Poo Head” to keep pointing up such inconsistencies, but it feels so good to laugh at those who are “felony stupid.”)
Without even so much as single major scientific (for Sessions, science seems to equal “Satan”) study to back his most extreme claims about the dangers that marijuana poses, and with the scientific community refuting those claims, Sessions (via his divine clairvoyant power) has still managed to equate marijuana with heroin, one of the illegal opioids which have recently been targeted by the Trump administration. Oddly enough however, Sessions’ official efforts at ending the current “opioid crisis” has loosely equated the problem of opioid addiction with the fraudulent abuses of medical “con men;” as though the epidemic were something kindred to “Medicaid fraud.” Never mind the drug companies’ zeal in exploiting any opening to push prescribing opioids on doctors, let’s just assume that all doctors are Satanic monsters, and simply wanted to facilitate opioid addiction in their patients as an homage to the “Dark Lord.”
There has clearly been an error of past policy on the part of the medical profession related to the over-prescribing of opioids. However, Sessions fails to acknowledge a recent study which suggests that opioid use has dropped in those states which legalized marijuana for recreational use. Further, the medical profession itself has been exploring the possibility of using marijuana as an effective alternative to opioids in pain management (not an entirely new concept). In other words, weed actually does have “medicinal value,” and many doctors are actively advocating for the ability to prescribe it. But, why let disproved representations like Reefer Madness go to waste when you can tout them as fact?
It is not solely Sessions’ overt lack of regard for objective reality that is a concern here. Nor is it chiefly his poorly disguised attempt to officially establish the United States as a “Christian nation” that warrants the deepest concern. It is his complete and utter lack of legal knowledge that should scare everyone to the point of sharting uncontrollably. The level of legal sophistication that Attorney General Sessions employs is truly no better than that of a crack dealer - save that the crack dealer is likely aware of which illegal drugs cause the most harm. There was a reason that Sessions was denied a spot as a federal judge: in short, as a lawyer Sessions is a buffoon and likely a racist. Sessions is the champion of all who revere shameless incompetence, and all who think that they can make-up their own laws as they move through life.
Given the loud pundit-storm thunder centering around Sessions’ reported “lies” to Congress, and his complete and utter disregard for the use of rationality in executing the duties of his office, it seems completely reasonable to ask that Sessions be fired, “beamed-up,” or otherwise removed from serving as the Attorney General of the United States. And really, witness relocation to Siberia absolutely should be considered. Of all the people that have served as Attorney General in recent administrations, Sessions has the dubious honor of being both the least articulate (in a “well-dressed hillbilly” sort of way), and the most obnoxiously and profoundly “dense.”
Above all, Jeff Sessions is completely resistant to logic, persuasion, and the use of facts. In fact, he seems to hate facts. Why else would he work so hard to avoid them? (Maybe he thinks that all facts are the product of ”minorities”?) If his “boyish” lack of ethical judgment isn’t enough to warrant removing him, nor his “ingenious” tendency to prioritize non-threatening issues as the most urgent, his poor memory, along with his “genteel” and bone-deep willful ignorance should convince all doubters that he needs to go. Since the president of fond of firing employees, perhaps he might be convinced to reprise his The Apprentice television persona at least one more time to “drain” Sessions from the ”swamp” of public service. After all is said and done, Sessions has overwhelmingly earned a hasty and disgracing dismissal. To the president: firing Sessions will make a lot of people like you more, and you’re good at it. So do it. (Note that the language here is meant to be mostly humorous in its essence. That which is being represented as “fact” has been offered along with reference links. All else can be assumed to be “questionably humorous opinion,” rather than indisputable “fact.”)