THE BLOG

Why Sleeping With Your Ex Is A Bad Idea

04/19/2016 12:20pm ET | Updated April 19, 2017
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After 11 years (5 in marriage) and two children together, Megan Fox filed for divorce from Brian Austin this past August. On separation papers, dated June 6, 2015, she cited "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the split. Last week Megan debuted a baby bump at CinemaCon in Las Vegas and has subsequently confirmed her estranged husband is the father to be.

I haven't cared about Brian Austin Green since he helped Donna Martin graduate and I haven't cared about Megan Fox since, well ever. Since I've yet to receive a phone call, text, email or any other kind of message from either I don't know what went down between theses C-list celebrities. But it's fair to assume they had at least one romp post separation and that is something to which I can relate.

From our first kiss, through our separation and until our divorce was actually finalized 16 years later my ex's was the only pucker I plucked. Our plucking continued off and on through separation and for several months post divorce. During our separation when we were still "working on it" our sometimes rendezvouses could sometimes be counter-productive and cloudy. But once all decisions were made, without pretense or hopes of reconciliation, our trysts were clear and seemingly productive.

Prior to my ex, I had been in a 4-year relationship in college and before that I was in high school. I had not dated in 20 years and not at all as an adult. Dealing with the loss of my marriage and being ready to join the adult singles scene was going to take some time. So, in the meantime, why not do what needed to be done where I had been doing it for so long? Our goings-on weren't too often, just often enough that instead of slowly shriveling up I was quieting a voice that could otherwise force me out into a scene I didn't really want to be in. Or so I thought at the time.

My last time with my ex was 6 months post divorce and I knew instantly it would be our last. Due to specific circumstances (not at all relevant here) it was debauched. It left a bad taste that was hard to shake and I was glad for the bawdy ending. It finally slammed a door shut that I had allowed to keep creaking open.

It wasn't until time had passed that I saw how ill advised continuing to hook up with my ex had been. Break ups are unique; some bounce back quickly, some can't get over one until they're under another and some aren't monogamous in marriage so once out, there's no learning curve and they continue as they were. I was monogamous, shy, insecure, and sad and needed time to get over my relationship on my own before I could get under anyone else. What I thought was innocently keeping me on my desired track was actually handcuffing me to my past. In reflection it was clear that while comfortable, allowing my ex intimately into my present was giving my past a pass to block my future.

While most will at some point wind up back with an ex for a few hours, most will not find themselves in the extreme of baby making a la Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green. But the seemingly harmless can hinder with tiny strings you can't see and handcuffs you can't feel. Steps back along the way are likely and you might not be as lucky as I to have a bawdy, debauched, no looking back experience to propel your arm towards slamming that door. The only way to get through something is to go through it. Go through and go past your past without letting it into your present and slowing down your future.

A few months after I slammed the door on my past I ushered in the present and my future is bright.