As a parent and pediatrician, when I read the letter written by the victim of the Stanford rape, it made me cry -- and want to throw up.
The next thing it made me want to do is make every single parent read it. Because it's a call to action for parents, loud and clear.
For anyone who hasn't followed the story, a recap: in 2015, Brock Turner, a Stanford student and swimming champion, raped a 23-year-old woman, not a student, outside a frat party -- behind a dumpster, to be exact. She had been drinking and passed out; two grad students on bicycles saw the rape happening, stopped Turner and called the police. Turner was convicted -- and sentenced to just 6 months in jail. The judge said that he took Turner's age and lack of criminal history into account, as well as the fact that a longer sentence would have a "severe impact" on Turner.
There are so many things wrong with this. But in the center is the fact that no matter what, sexual assault is never okay. There are no mitigating circumstances. And yet, somehow, for Brock Turner, there were.
I think that our "achievement culture" is partly to blame. There are Brock Turners being raised all over the country, being given consistent messages that what matters is your success, not how you treat others. A swimming champion, a student at Stanford -- these are achievements so many parents want for their children, achievements they are willing to do anything to make happen. Even more insidious is the message not only that anything goes in the quest for success, but that those who are successful are somehow different and above being held accountable.
So here's my first call to action for parents: take a good hard look at how you are parenting. Make sure that along with encouraging your kids to do their best, you are teaching them right from wrong -- and how to be good, kind people. Make sure that they know that actions have consequences, that nobody is above the law -- and that nothing is more important in this world than each other. If our kids don't know that, it's our fault.
My second call to action is to the parents of sons: please, tell them again and again that when it comes to sex, not saying no is not the same as saying yes. Teach them about healthy relationships, and about never, ever forcing anything on anyone. Unless permission is clearly given and the person they want to have sex with is clearly capable of giving that permission, they should not have sex. These are uncomfortable conversations, but again: if our kids don't know that, it's our fault.
And to the parents of daughters (I have three, which is a big part of why I wanted to throw up): teach them too about healthy relationships, about being careful, about being clear, about making safe choices (this story is a good one to scare any teen about what can happen when you are really, really drunk). But more than that, the call to action is to fight for the rights of our daughters. Despite all the gains women have made, despite Hillary Clinton's success, women are still second-class citizens. They are paid less than men, promoted less than men -- and somehow, as we saw in this case, felt to be not only less credible, but in part responsible for the harm people do to them. That's not okay, and it's going to take a real uprising to make it change.
If it doesn't change, I think that's our fault too. Because we should expect better for our children, and of ourselves.