Before I had children, like any expectant mom-to-be, I had visions of grandeur. Adorable little munchkins with cherub faces climbing on my lap, a beautiful boy and a girl who snuggled up to me, allowing me to hold them and kiss them endlessly, peaceful days playing together in the backyard... and me being the picture perfect mom -- still in tip-top shape, still radiant and beautiful, commanding respect yet adulation and unconditional love from my children.
Reality: I have a boy and a girl. And although they are both beautiful, I am convinced that they are mini terrorists in training and I'm the person they have decided to hone their skills on.
After careful consideration and study, below is a list of reasons to support my theory.
1. No communication with the outside world allowed. Oh yes... they may give you the impression that it's ok for you to converse with other humans, but that simply isn't true. My little angels will be off playing peacefully or watching a movie until the MOMENT someone calls. Some kind of hidden radar goes off when that phone hits my ear. That is the very moment they decide that they are all of the sudden "starving" and need a snack pronto, OR my son wants to do his best Hulk impression at the top of his lungs or my almost 2-year-old rips off her diaper and craps on the floor -- JUST FOR FUN!
2. No going to the bathroom alone.. And I mean... never. Because who knows if I'll try to "escape" while I'm in there. They know not to take any chances. Mom just sat down on the toilet... AWESOME! Let's go in there to play with the toilet paper roll, decide it's a perfect time to brush our teeth, or ask me to download a very important new game on the iPad. Doing #2 is pretty much impossible. If they suspect I'm even considering that, they will for sure dismember themselves with a toy, delaying my ability to do a #2 for yet another few days.
3. Sleep deprivation as torture. . All those books that say kids need at least 10-11 hours of sleep... WHO ARE THEY KIDDING? My kids thrive on five hours tops and that's if they are feeling generous. I'm convinced they get some sick pleasure out of waking you up if you've finally fallen into a restful sleep state after getting up with them three to four times within a two hour timespan. They know that sleep deprivation will get them anything they want... including getting you to allow them to sleep in the bed with you. Because at this point, you'll do just about anything to get them to stop crying so you can get a few measly hours of shut eye.
4. Your quarters are no longer your own. Bet you thought when you bought that king size bed, you were going to be all spread out in it with PLENTY OF ROOM, even lounging in it sideways if you felt like it. Jokes on you! If you have more than two kids, you are most likely hanging off the side of your big king size bed, while the kids are getting the best night sleep of their lives, laying sideways all the while kicking you in the face, the stomach and any other body part that isn't hanging on for dear life.
5. Physical abuse. Yes... they hug you and snuggle and give you kisses. WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING. If you don't give them what they want though, be prepared for an unexpected smack across the face or if they're feeling especially pissed off, a juicy bite on your arm. My 5 year old's nickname was "Hannibal Lecter" at daycare when he was a toddler. Did I mention I had visions of "peaceful playing together in the backyard" before I got pregnant?
6. They know how to wear you down to get the answers they want. I can't tell you how many times my son will ask me for the most ridiculous things and when I say, "NO" or "I don't have any," it is consistently followed up with "But MOMMY!!!" And then the argument. Or the justification for his request. Or the incessant whining that goes on and on and on and on until I can't take it for one more minute and I literally cave and throw whatever it is he wants at him. "You want to eat crackers for dinner?? Fine! Here. Eat crackers!" See #3 above. When they've hit an advanced level of "Terrorist Training" they combine sleep deprivation with #6 (Knowing what to do to get what they want).
7. They are always secretly recruiting others to join them. Another sibling joins the family? Guess what they will be learning? A friend comes over to play? What do you think they're doing when they're upstairs? Don't be fooled moms and dads. They are plotting your capture and torture. They are training others to be just like them. There is no escape. The only thing that makes any of this OK... is that they are so damn adorable, you can't help but love these tiny little terrorists.