On CNN tonight, Fareed Zakaria will finally tell us why Trump won with the creatively named television special, “Why Trump Won” because that mysterious question has not been explored nearly enough.“The Trump Supporter in His Natural Habitat” is a new genre of anthropological journalism where well-intentioned reporters roam across what they consider “Trump Country,” seeking enlightenment about the poor, misguided white people who surely must have an opioid addiction if they voted for Trump. These journalists see Trump Country as a place where everyone eats in diners and plays church basement bingo (when they’re not sharing needles, of course). To them, it is a desolate place where sun-damaged women wear cheap halter tops and men with beer guts sit on stoops, waiting for factories to reopen.
Reporter: *scrunched brow of empathy* Hello, Mysterious Trump Supporter. Please tell me all about the painful circumstances that made you vote for Trump.
Mysterious Trump Supporter: Too many Mexicans and Muslims.
Reporter: Demographic shifts are scary. I have not seen any Mexicans or Muslims in West Virginia though.
Mysterious Trump Supporter: Damn right.
Reporter: *writes 4,000 words about the plight of white people and fears of demographic change*
Reporter: Look how unbiased and understanding I am! Yay!
It’s amazing that Trump supporters keep agreeing to these condescending interviews but they must think they sound clever when they say “mainstream media” by slowly rolling the words off their tongues like they invented the term. Or maybe it’s fun to be treated like neutered, little tardigrades who defy understanding and to be fawned over by “elitists” who report for the Clinton News Network (another Rush Limbaugh nugget they think no one has ever heard). Perhaps they just enjoy being evaluated in the same way Jane Goodall studied her precious chimpanzee friends. Unfortunately, journalists are spending so much time seeking out KlansTrumpers in meth labs that they’re missing out on compelling stories from the rest of Trumplandia.
We need to know more about the rest of Trump Country, not just the red-hatted rally goers. We need 4,000 words a day on the weird billionaires and their Bat-villain fantasies. They’re probably just bored and want to see some shit blow up. Who can blame them? The yachting life sounds like a snoozefest so it makes perfect sense that they’d have to buy a U.S. president and some missiles after a few years of staring at palm trees. Fareed is missing out if he doesn’t talk to these people tonight because there is nothing more interesting than twisted, evil billionaires who are trying to produce a worldwide snuff film just for kicks.
We also want CNN specials on the Southern Country Club Trumpers. These are the sunburned dentists and vice-presidents of strategic planning who gather every Saturday in the 19th hole to drink beer and tell each other boring stories about 3-putting. It would be helpful to understand why these golfers are so afraid of ISIS in North Florida.
ISIS Guy: Should we blow up Jacksonville?
Other ISIS Guy: Nah. We’d have to change planes in Atlanta to get there.
Reporter: Bruh...I feel ya.
And why do these upper middle-class golf cart warriors still support Trump? They can’t be afraid of Mexicans stealing their regional marketing manager jobs.
Guy in Golf Shirt: *zombie face* taaaaaaaxes…
Reporter: But why do you still support Trump? Is Orrin Hatch a secret socialist?
Guy in Golf Shirt: *zombie face* Benghaaazi…ISIS...Now let me tell you a 30 minute story about how I almost made par on the back nine.
Reporter: *snores and wipes drool off chin*
Reporter: *writes 4,000 words about the economic anxiety and national security concerns of white people*
Finally, it would be awesome if the New York Times could devote a daily column to understanding the motivations of the women in Lexus SUVs with their Make America Great Again™ stickers. Sitting by the pool with diaper bags full of organic sunscreen and all-natural fruit snacks, no one is threatening the status quo for these women in Tory Burch tunics. So what really motivates them to stay on board the Trump Train?
Lexus Mom: Something, something...Hillary stayed married to a cheater. I don’t really keep up with politics anymore though. It’s too depressing. Hey, cute flip flops!
Reporter: *dies of boredom*
Readers: Bruh...we feel ya.
Maybe it’s time to turn the lens on the Trump voters without economic anxiety. Their stories may not be quite as compelling or sympathetic but it would certainly be fun to hear them defend their continued Trump support.
Or we could ditch this bullshit Trump voter genre completely. We’ve delved into those white thoughts and white fears for over two years now. It’s time to move on because we all understand exactly where these people are coming from by now, don’t we?
I’m not paying for a Trump photo so here’s a golfing frog.