When my husband and I got married at 22, I figured our young age would hold off questions of kids for a couple of years. Friends and family would know that we'd spend our 20s traveling and establishing our careers and talk about having kids when we were ready. I thought people would respect us enough to hold their questions for when we were a little older.
Boy was I wrong.
As soon as we got back from our honeymoon it felt like people became more interested in my ovaries instead of me. And it's been like this for four years. It's only gotten worse over time! Now when we're with people who have babies, if I hold the baby I start to hear, "Doesn't that make you want a baby?" or "Your biological clock is ticking, you better get to it!"
Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and their sweet babies and I love being an aunt more than anything else. But it seems like a lot of people don't understand how that makes people feel. People need to keep in mind that sometimes different paths are taken in life that may or may not include having children.
Below are five reasons why you shouldn't ask someone when they're having kids.
1. They Don't Want Kids. Nothing kills a mood faster than when you tell someone you don't want kids. People don't want to hear why you don't want to have kids and that's the sad truth. They start to wonder what's wrong with you or tell you, "It's different when you have your own" or "You'll change your mind in a few years." If someone tells you that kids aren't in the cards, don't try to change their mind or convince them otherwise. Even if they do change their mind in a few years, it's their journey and they'll figure it out when they're ready. Or they have figured it out and have decided that kids just aren't for them, nothing wrong with not reproducing!
2. They Can't Have Kids. I have several friends who are struggling with infertility and it kills them when they're asked when they are going to have kids or why they don't have kids already. They're going through something personal and painful and hearing this question only makes them feel worse.
3. Their Marriage is Under Strain. Sometimes one spouse is ready to have kids before the other. This, and other things, can put a strain on a marriage and at that point it's not a healthy environment to bring a new life into the world. The question of when they're having children causes a further rift between them because one is ready and the other isn't. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.
4. They Want Kids, Just Not Now. If someone is in their 20s, it may not be a good time to have kids yet. The couple is focusing on their marriage, their careers or want to travel and accomplish things before settling down with a baby. If you're in your 20s and have life figured out, that's great! I'm 26 and have days where I still don't feel like a grown-up and am still Googling how to do "adult" things, like how to file taxes or clean my oven.
5. They're Too Scared. It's hard to admit if you're too scared to have a baby. The worry of being a good parent, the idea of keeping a human alive for 18 years, the changes in your body, the changes in your life. You also want to have a house that's big enough, and have enough money or the support system for daycare/care.
So next time you see someone you haven't seen in years and feel like you're about to ask them about kids, don't do it unless you can listen to their reasons with an open mind. Instead, ask them about their life, jobs, what they've been up to since you last saw them. If they want to talk about kids they'll bring it up in their own time.