My departure from the adult business was fairly public. Thanks to Dr. Drew and reality television, I participated in a wide array of televised interviews about my decision to quit porn. From Oprah to Extra! and The View to Tyra, some of our best-known talk show hosts wanted answers to complex questions: Why did I get into porn? What made me quit? I did my best to answer honestly and thoughtfully, not just for myself, but also for my compatriots still in the business, and for all of the young women out there who are a lot like I was when I first disrobed in front of a camera as a part-time job in college. These questions are more relevant than ever today, with the ongoing proliferation of porn in our culture and the potential consequences of participating in porn, both physically and possibly emotionally. A recent Daily Beast feature even addressed the lighter version of this issue. The article discussed how difficult it is to prevent your daughter from morphing into the newest, shiniest feminine archetype: a prince-seeking Disney princess.
Of course, there was no way I could have explained my motivation to enter or exit porn in a 15-minute television interview, and I can't get to the bottom of it in an article meant to be read over morning coffee. Aside from the fact that, as humans, motivation is an intricate web of rationalizations tangled up with semi-truths and brain functions that can fill out a whole textbook, there are also a whole slew of cultural pressures that impacted my decision and affect young women today in ways that's difficult to distill and analyze. But here's what I can tell you:
- Because you loved her enough, but you didn't love her right. You weren't attuned to your daughter's emotional state as a child, and now, she has difficulty connecting intimately with other human beings. It's not that you meant to handicap her. You may even have a bit of a problem with authentic intimacy too, and it's probably an intergenerational issue, so look to your mom and dad for answers as to how the cycle started in the first place.
- Because you were her friend, and not her parent (Hello Baby Boomers!). You never set solid parental boundaries, and you failed to teach her about her right to have her personal boundaries respected. Your permissive parenting led to her low self-esteem and crappy social skills. There are four major parenting styles, and I hate to tell you, this one is not the best.
- Because you got divorced, and it was ugly. I don't even need to discuss the damaging effects of a nasty divorce because these statistics are known. However, if you still think it's cool to get divorced and drag your kids through the mud because children are resilient, or won't notice how poorly you two treat one another, think again. A study by Paul Armato shows that children of divorce continue to score lower academically, and in the areas of "psychological adjustment, self-concept and social competence." Furthering this concern, a 2002 study in The Journal of Pediatric Psychology found that adolescents from mother-alone or mother-absent homes are more likely to become sexually active at a young age, risk taking behavior that is compounded by substance abuse and lack of social support. Yes, there are situations in which divorce is best for all, but the process by which divorce happens is delicate and negative consequences can have lasting effects.
- Because you raped, beat, or neglected her. Or someone close to you did. Though plenty of women who were abused as children do not go into porn, many women who have been abused (physically, emotionally or sexually) do participate in sexual risk taking behaviors. Even though a recent study found no link between pornography and child abuse, ample research on prostitution and child abuse provide insight to correlates of selling sex. A 2012 study on juvenile entry into prostitution explores the far-reaching consequences of abuse incurred in childhood, and the suggested pathways associated with entering prostitution (i.e. the selling of sex). Of course, this statement shifts the focus from the real argument, and can turn this point into a new argument about whether prostitution is equivalent to participating in pornography. I would suggest looking up the legal definition of prostitution, which states very simply that prostitution is "the act of offering one's self for hire to engage in sexual relations."
- Because you are a prude -- or a total slut -- and you didn't have a good handle on your own sexuality. Your lack of self-knowledge may have led you to inadequately educate your daughter about sex, either teaching an abstinence only or laissez-faire approach. Statistics on abstinence-only programs show this approach to be ineffective. And if you divorced, letting the men (or women) you subsequently dated run in and out of your life (and your daughter's life) taught her that significant others, and people in general, are exchangeable. Kids need the truth about sex, and reliable sources of adult support and attachment. This article addresses the issues in both point four and five.
- Because you let her watch insane amounts of television. There is a cost to letting the media raise your children. Even an hour over the average 72 minutes most children watch per day can cause great damage.
- Because you gave her a smartphone when she was 10, and now she takes awesome #selfies all day. With every picture she takes to post to her social media sites, she becomes less sensitive to the idea of her images floating around on the web. Studies show that higher social media use is correlated with narcissism. Sexting is a booming practice, and a gateway technology usage that might lead to appearances on Internet porn sites. You can be fairly certain that your daughter has either thought about sexting, or has friends who do it.
- Because her friends want to be porn stars, Playboy models, the Bachelorette or any other exaggerated and hyper-sexualized version of a real woman, and you aren't close to her friends. When a child has excessive contact with her peers and loses touch with safe adult attachments, the likelihood increases that she will become an addict, as mentioned in addiction specialist Dr. Gabor Maté's recent book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. I think it's possible that the problems arising from being raised by her peers can also lead to other harmful and immediately gratifying behaviors, like participating in porn.
- Because you never showed her a healthy way to fill the spiritual void that is quintessentially human. Isn't it interesting that girls leave porn because they've found religion? It happens every day, even to girls who were considered to be "the world's hottest porn star." Money, sexual exploration, and false adoration didn't provide personal fulfillment like spirituality did.
- Because you did the best you could to raise her right... but it wasn't enough.