Why Your Highly Sensitive/Introverted Wife Got More "Difficult" After Kids

I have many clients in couples counseling where the husband is not highly sensitive and is more extroverted/laid back than the wife, which is is a very common pairing in and out of counseling. (I'm in this pairing myself!) At some point, the discussion comes around to how difficult it can be to be a Highly Sensitive Person or an introvert and balance the demands of parenthood and marriage, and the husband, understandably, says, "But she was an HSP or an introvert when we got married too, and she didn't act so difficult/demanding/cold/withdrawn/anxious then." Good point, but for someone who isn't wired this way, it can be very hard to understand the extent of the transformation that occurs for an introvert or HSP after the birth of the first or second child. Here are some points to keep in mind that you may not have previously considered.

1. Your wife's emotional/physical bandwidth is finite. The baby or the kids take up 90% of it. It's like downloading a new huge app to your phone that makes everything else super slow. It will not always be this way, but while the baby is still a baby, or even a toddler, your wife's limited bandwidth (and her sex drive, incidentally) is sucked up by the baby.
2. Before kids, your wife likely did many under-the-radar compensatory behaviors that made you think that you guys were more similar than you really were. For example, she may have napped before a late night out, or psyched herself up before outings with your parents (and then analyzed them afterwards with a best friend who wasn't you). She may have drank more to fit in with the group, or to assuage social anxiety, but was then able to recover the next day in bed from her hangover and from all the rowdiness in general. She may have spent all of Sunday pretty much alone, or binge watching Netflix with you, after she went to a big barbecue on Saturday. And so forth. This wasn't in order to trick you, but because she had no kids and barely any responsibilities. She also, subconsciously, wanted to be "normal" and felt that a "normal" life with a normal guy like you would be possible if she just compensated in certain ways.
3. Your wife may have subconsciously married an extrovert like you in order to expose her eventual kids to a broader and more fun life than she thought she could give them on her own. But you were always kind of high-energy for her, and now that her energy is further zapped, she is realizing just how different you are, often leading to exacerbations of this dynamic (where she interprets your extraversion and laid back nature as shallow and irritating) or this one (where you criticize her for not having your same energy level and she responds by withdrawing from you).
4. HSP's are more severely impacted by changes of any sort. The hormonal ones associated with pregnancy, breastfeeding, weaning, and PMS post-kids (when women's cycles and cramps often get way worse) are going to throw her for even more of a loop than the average woman.
5. If there is any resentment due to baby-related issues, or you've been very vocal in your critiques of your wife lately, your wife likely ruminates about it quite a bit, and also finds it harder to "just snap out of it" when these thoughts arise.
6. Your default coping strategy of ignoring problems or waiting out whatever mood your wife is in may make her think you have a lack of empathy or emotional intelligence, leading to even more detachment and hopelessness on her part.

Now, this isn't to say that the HSP or introverted partner (male or female) is "justified" in acting more "difficult" after kids. For the sake of the marriage and the connection, both partners need to learn to compromise and to communicate more mindfully, and couples counseling can really help with this. So can reading the book The Highly Sensitive Person.

The first step in any marital repair is for both people to understand each other's point of view in a new and deeper way. I'll be following this with more of the husband's perspective in this matter, so stay tuned. Share with your husband and see if a discussion can develop. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, HSP's: Can't Live With Them, Can't Live Without Them. (Well, You Can, But Who Else Would Want to Probe The Depths Of Your Subconscious?)

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Learn about Dr. Rodman’s private practice, including therapy, coaching, and consultation, here. Order her books, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage, and How To Talk To Your Kids About Your Divorce, here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.