There's a disturbing trend I'm starting to see. it's probably always been there. But since I've been in the dating and relationships space for the last 15 years, I've recently noticed a slew of disturbing emails, always from women. They go something like this...
"I was married for about eight years. The marriage was not going well. We were fighting on a regular basis. I thought by having another child, it would make things better."
Others, are like this...
"After a while, my marriage wasn't good. My husband was distant and not interested in our family dynamic. He didn't show affection or pay attention to me the way I wanted him to. I really wanted to have another kid, because I didn't want my kid to grow up alone. I figured if we have another kid, things would somehow or another get better. I thought, maybe he'd come around."
This trend is disturbing. Some I know of personally. A friend of mine had two kids and was in the process of separating. His wife was so desperate to have another child, she tricked him into having sex on a night she was ovulating during their divorce.
What makes this trend really sad is another kid is not going to make any marriage better. You don't get closer by having another child. You get closer by working on the issues between the two of you. Another child is going to cause more stress, and cost more money. Another child is going to give you less 'grown-up' time for the two of you to connect. Especially a newborn. You might as well kick back and forget about two years of your life with your partner.
Yet, it seems to be going on every single day. The 'one more kid' syndrome. And it really angers me, as a dad. You are putting another kid in the line of divorce. You only wanted another child, because you are operating (as a woman), from a selfish point of view. You want another kid because you want that feeling, that bond, that incredible bond that no man will understand, carrying a baby.
Breast-feeding the baby. Being everything for that baby. Being needed by that baby. I get it, I understand. What you're lacking in your interpersonal relationship with your husband, you're going to play out with your baby.
You're going to be needed again. You're going to feel loved. Once again, I'm a man. I don't know what it's like to be pregnant. I can only imagine what it's like to carry a baby, and give birth. Then after giving birth, being everything, the center of the universe, for another person. I'm sure it's an amazing feeling. I understand why so many women want it again. But the reason you want another baby in that situation, is selfish.
You need love, and you're not getting it in the relationship with your husband. Of course, having a kid will give you the love you need. But isn't that being selfish?
A lot of you reading this, are thinking to yourself, your daughter or son or two kids need another sibling, because siblings are so great to have, connect with, for the rest of your life. After the parents are gone they have each other. I get that argument.
But I'm going to come back at you saying how selfish it is, because all you're doing is causing more stress and anxiety for everybody in the family. The relationship no longer works. You may guilt the man into staying, but aren't you doing yourself an injustice?
You might guilt the man into staying. Maybe he'll stay for another 10 years, but doesn't want to be in the relationship. You're also not satisfied but are relegated to an unhappy marriage by having another child. Many of you are going through a sexless, loveless marriage and your kids are along for the ride.
Guess what the kids see?
Two people who really don't love each other. One of the greatest lessons you have to teach your children, is show them how to love. Love somebody unconditionally. Love somebody in a relationship. But what you're showing them is dysfunction. You're showing them anger.
You're showing them what unhappy parents look like, because you can't fake love. You are creating another generation of people that have stories. People that have stories going into their romantic relationships.
They're learning how to treat a partner through the way you and your husband treat each other. You are doing your children an injustice. You have that other child you wanted, but you're screwing up another person for adulthood.
We spend our entire adulthood getting rid of the story and the subconscious programming we've had from birth. How we (adults) see relationships is through the eyes we had as children. Our lack of love, affection, or anything else in relationships is due to what we saw our parents do to one another.
We're not self-aware enough when we're teenagers, and grade school and youngsters and toddlers to see through it, because we're like sponges and soak in all this information. Then we go to adulthood, and have screwed up relationships because our parents thought having another child would save their marriage.
It's another child that will be shipped off to dad's house one week and mom's the next. It'll be another child that will watch the bitterness between two people who no longer get along. It'll be another child that will learn how to create stories and anger, because mom was single, and dated all the wrong men. And dad didn't want him around.
We can go through so many different scenarios about what happens after a divorce; The father who dates very young women. The mother who dates emotionally abusive men. Look at your life. If you're in this situation right now and you're thinking about having another child, think about the implications.
I understand that you may think it's a great idea, but think about what you're doing to the child. Think about what you're doing to the child's future because of your selfish yearning for something in the present. I understand your relationship may not be where you want it to be, but having another kid is not going to work until you figure out the relationship, work on the relationship.
Work on the relationship. See if it's worth saving. Kids want to be with both parents. Do not bring kids into tumultuous homes. There's something called birth control. Use it. There's something called couple's therapy. Go to it. And there's something about being honest where you're at in your relationship. So many people live their life for their kids. "My kid has to have a sister, a brother."
But, in reality, what you're doing is bringing a kid into another relationship that's broken, that's fractured, that's fatherless, whatever it might be. You're not doing the kid any justice at all. I know what it's like. My daughter asks for a sister all the time. I look at her and say, "sounds great," then change the subject on her. I don't really know what to say to her. Should I say...
"Daddy and mommy are not together, and I don't believe in bringing in a sister or brother into this dynamic - it wouldn't do anybody any good."
You can't tell a toddler that. They won't understand. So maybe this compassionate posting today will get some of you to look at things differently. I look at my daughter and I say to myself, 'I love her so much. I love being with her. I love being her dad.'
My ex and I are not together. And if we ever got back together, it would be so the two of us could love each other the way we need to as adults, the way we deserve as adults, the way that two adults deserve to feel love. As role models, this is the dynamic our kids should see.
We're role models for all our kids. Be that role model. Learn to say no. Learn to understand what you're doing to your children, because of your selfish needs, because of your primal desires. Please, don't bring another kid into a fractured home. Work on the fractured home.
If the fractured home doesn't work, get out of there and heal, Find somebody else who wants the same things as you and be satisfied where you are. We live in a society of wanting more. We want more in life, more money, more children, more wealth, more cars, more material things. Stop thinking about what you're missing, what's lacking. Look at your life now and see how you can improve it. Live the life that's presented to you.
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