After six years of intense spiritual study and meditation practice, I thought I understood what it meant to be a spiritual woman. That was until earlier this year when I became angrier than I had ever been at my mom.
I had an anger blackout. The moment my mom finished her sentence, I unconsciously attacked. I lost control over my thoughts, actions and words. All I cared about was proving I was right and expressing my emotions in an unfiltered and potentially hurtful way.
I knew that this was my reactive pattern with my mom. Not only did I acknowledge my unhealthy pattern, for the past four years I was consciously doing healing work to release it.
I was shocked by the depth of my anger. As our typical pattern played out, my mom left the room crying and I sat alone in despair. After all my years of meditation, yoga and self-healing practice, how could I still become so incredibly angry?
I felt like a failure. Were all my attempts to reach a higher level of spiritual growth and enlightenment a big fat joke? By forgiving and releasing my mom for the past, I thought I had learned my spiritual lesson. Why was I still stuck in the same pattern of reacting in anger?
In my moment of despair, I did something I had never done before. I meditated.
In the stillness, I saw an image of a large diamond the size of a football. There were certain facets of the diamond that were hazy and others that were crystal clear. The diamond symbolized our spiritual homework assignment in this lifetime.
As we move through our life, if we notice the same emotions, patterns and people repeatedly triggering us, that is a spiritual lesson that is meant to show up 100s of times until it is mastered. If the same pattern shows up, it doesn't mean we haven't learned our lesson, it means we need to learn the different dimensions of that lesson to refine and master it.
Each facet of the diamond symbolizes a new dimension of the lesson we need to learn. We refine each nuance by consciously trying to change and do something different. That's when the diamond facet gets buffed clear. When we master our lesson, the entire diamond will radiantly shine, with no areas left to buff.
After meditating, I no longer felt like a failure. I actually buffed a facet of my diamond by doing something I had never done before. I immediately meditated when I became aware I lost my center and peace of mind. By meditating, I quickly returned to my natural state of calmness and avoided uncomfortable silent treatments and potential long lasting grudges with my mom, like the past. I celebrated my tiny win.
Our greatest spiritual teachers help us grow by poking the dormant areas within us that need to be healed, provoking uncomfortable emotions and thus elevating us to a higher consciousness. The challenges of mother daughter relationships continue throughout our life to constantly help us grow in this manner.
The next time my mom triggers my anger, as I am certain it will happen, I'll try to choose differently by not participating in the conversation and staying mindfully silent. I smile at the opportunity to buff another part of my diamond and be one step closer to mastering my spiritual lesson.
Tejal V. Patel is a mindfulness coach, author and meditation teacher who believes mindfulness isn't a fad. It's a way of life. She helps modern mamas create calmness among life's chaos. She shares weekly inspiration through her Tejal.TV show. Sign up for free weekly inspiration at www.AstitvaSeekers.com and join thousands of modern mamas on a powerful spiritual journey to create balance in your life.