This Valentine’s Day weekend, in terms of schmaltzy, over-the-top, dramatic love stories, you have the choice between watching “Endless Love” or “Winter’s Tale.”
(Or, you know, you could just have a conversation with your significant other. What are his or her dreams? What’s his or her biggest regret? Is it you? It might be if you take him or her to either of these two movies. Anyway…)
“Endless Love” is the story of David (Alex Pettyfer) and Jade (Gabriella Wilde), two teens played by two people who both look 30. They are in love, though Jade’s dad wants to keep them apart. “Winter’s Tale,” meanwhile, is the story of an early 20th century thief named Peter (Colin Farrell) who falls in love with a sickly woman named Beverly (Jessica Brown Findlay), then befriends a magical winged horse and fights supernatural demons who are led by Russell Crowe. (In both cases, we’ve all been there.)
Below, we let the two face off, in a Battle Royale Of Schmaltz, to help you decide what movie will be getting your hard-earned schmaltz money this weekend. (I know it’s cold outside, but, seriously, please consider just flying a kite instead, or something.)
Also, there are schmaltzy spoilers below so be warned because we don’t want to ruin your schmaltzy surprise.
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In “Endless Love,” David takes a joyride in a borrowed Maserati.
In “Winter’s Tale,” Peter takes a joyride on a winged horse.
Schmaltz Winner: “Winter’s Tale”
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In “Endless Love,” Jade has led a sheltered life due to her constant studying.
In “Winter’s Tale,” Beverly has led a sheltered life due to her tuberculosis.
Schmaltz Winner: “Winter’s Tale”
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In “Winter’s Tale,” Beverly has a possessive father, played by William Hurt, who grows to like Peter after a bonding experience involving an exploding furnace.
In “Endless Love,” Jade has a possessive father, played by Bruce Greenwood, who grows to like David after a bonding experience involving an exploding house.
Schmaltz Winner: “Endless Love”
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In “Endless Love,” David’s best friend is a fellow student named Mace.
In “Winter’s Tale,” Peter’s best friend is a magical winged horse named Athansor.
Schmaltz Winner: “Winter’s Tale”
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In “Endless Love,” David’s hobby is as a mechanic who spends his free time fixing cars.
In “Winter’s Tale,” Peter’s hobby is as a mechanic who spends his free time fixing a furnace and a microfiche machine.
Schmaltz Winner: “Endless Love”
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In “Endless Love,” Jade’s father threatens David with a baseball bat.
In “Winter’s Tale,” Russell Crowe threatens Peter with hell demons.
Schmaltz Winner: “Winter’s Tale”
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In “Endless Love,” David has a temper and is quick to punch others in the face.
In “Winter’s Tale,” Russell Crowe literally tears off a man’s face.
Schmaltz Winner: “Endless Love”
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In “Endless Love,” a toast is made “to love.”
In “Winter’s Tale,” Russell Crowe uses the blood of the man whose face he tore off to finger-paint a picture.
Schmaltz Winner: Tie
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In “Endless Love,” using the dirt on a truck’s rear window, David writes “I Love U.”
In “Winter’s Tale,” using the dirt on a mirror, Peter writes his own name, “Peter Lake.”
Schmaltz Winner: “Endless Love”
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In “Winter’s Tale,” Peter asks Beverly’s father, “But I’m a thief, as you so keenly observed, can’t I steal just one life?”
In “Endless Love,” David’s father, played by Robert Patrick, asks Jade’s father who is delivering a restraining order, “He can’t sneak into a zoo?”
Schmaltz Winner: “Winter’s Tale”
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In “Winter’s Tale,” Beverly’s father eventually lifts his suspicions against Peter.
In “Endless Love,” Jade’s father eventually lifts the restraining order against David.
Schmaltz Winner: “Endless Love”
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A line of dialogue in “Winter’s Tale”: “You are impossibly beautiful.”
A line of dialogue in “Endless Love”: “I won’t love anyone like I love you.”
Schmaltz Winner: “Endless Love”
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A line of dialogue in “Endless Love”: “I’ve wanted to make out with you since the 10th grade.”
A line of dialogue in “Winter’s Tale”: “I love blood on the snow. Especially virgin blood.”
Schmaltz Winner: Tie
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A line of dialogue in “Winter’s Tale”: “When true love is lost, life can bleed of true meaning.”
A line of dialogue in “Endless Love”: “I know that I’m not good enough for you. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life pretending that I am.”
Schmaltz Winner: “Endless Love”
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A line of dialogue in “Winter’s Tale”: “When I think of her, I’ve never felt this way before.”
A line of dialogue in “Endless Love”: “My first love was everything all at once.”
Schmaltz Winner: “Endless Love”
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Two lines of dialogue in “Winter’s Tale”: “What’s the best thing you’ve stolen?” “I’m starting to think I haven’t stolen it yet.”
A line of dialogue in “Endless Love”: “I don’t care if we have 10 days, one week or one day. I want you to spend it with me.”
Schmaltz Winner: “Winter’s Tale”
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In “Winter’s Tale,” Peter is pushed off the Brooklyn Bridge.
In “Endless Love,” there’s a dance off set to Salt-n-Pepa’s “Push It.”
Schmaltz Winner: “Endless Love”
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In “Endless Love,” right before David and Jade consummate their relationship, David says, “We should wait.” Jade responds, “I don’t want to wait, I want to feel this with you.”
In “Winter’s Tale,” right after Peter and Beverly consummate their relationship, Beverly says, “If you don’t make love to me now, no one ever will.” Peter responds, “That’s exactly what I will do then.”
Schmaltz Winner: “Endless Love”
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In “Endless Love,” right after they consummate their relationship, David and Jade look longingly at pictures of Jade’s brother, who has been dead for three years.
In “Winter’s Tale,” right after they consummate their relationship, Peter looks at longingly at Beverly, who has been dead for three seconds.
Schmaltz Winner: “Winter’s Tale”
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In “Endless Love,” David’s ex-girlfriend, Jenny, exhibits devilish behavior.
In “Winter’s Tale,” Will Smith plays The Devil.
Schmaltz Winner: “Winter’s Tale”
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In “Winter’s Tale,” at one point Peter comes to the realization that 100 years have passed.
After watching both of these movies in a 24-hour period, I’m shocked that 100 years haven’t passed.
Schmaltz Winner: I give up.
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In “Endless Love,” David And Jade fly off together on a commercial airliner.
In “Winter’s Tale,” Peter flies off into space on a winged horse.
Schmaltz Winner: “Winter’s Tale”
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The lesson of “Endless Love” is that love can conquer all, even if you have a pretty lengthy criminal record.
The lesson of “Winter’s Tale” is that after you die, a horse will take you to space and you will transform into a star, even though not near enough helium or hydrogen are present for this to ever happen.
My lesson: Next year, take this week off as vacation.
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Final Tally: There are no winners today.
Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.