Wolfie and Kofi: Parasites are Good for You

Paul "Spitbangs" Wolfowitz, president of the World Bank and pants-throbbingly strident defender of some of the United States, has joined forces with frequent ideological opponent who can't be mentioned in the Wall Street Journal without the word "embattled," UN Secretary General Kofi "Black, Two Sugars" Annan to stroke one pet issue: killing poor people.

In CNNMoney and Business 2.0, Erick Schonfeld, writing about a different topic, hints at the two political stars' strange-bedfellows marriage, missing every opportunity to highlight the exciting double-entendres inherent in the pairing. The rumor mill says intended third man Dean Kamen, inventor of ginger, was rebuffed when he tried to introduce "Wolfannan" to a kink that was utterly repulsive to both: providing clean water and electricity to the world's poorest people.

An exclusive phone 3-way with Paul and Kofi reveals the deeply embedded beliefs these men bring to the issue.

"Dean was all, like, blah, blah, parasites and whatever," said Paul, "and we're, like, NO! national security, man!"

Kofi chimed in gruffly, "International security."

Paul giggled coquettishly. "I love it when he gets all you-in on me."

How, I ask, is clean water and electricity (food storage, medical equipment, GameCube) related to international security?

"If we let those people live full lives and, you know, breed," said Kofi significantly, "they will take over."

"What she said," said Paul. "My guys aren't big on, like, condoms and abortion, ick! But we're all for population control. Directly, wherever possible, but sometimes a baby bottle of infected water is just as good as a randomly dropped bunker buster."

Here the men did a kind of teen-girl clapping game celebrating baby bottles of infected water. Hard to convey here, but if you meet them they'll do it for you.

"What's so great about water anyway?" asked Paul. "Ask all those people under Lake Bourbon Street if stupid water is good for you."

"Don't forget the tsunami," Kofi chimed in. "Water blows."

The pair was scheduled to perform at a 25,000-seat arena in Kofi's hood, Kumasi, Ghana, but through a freak of statistics, that morning every member of the sold-out crowd joined the 25,000 people per every fucking day killed by waterborne illness. The event will be rescheduled after the funerals.