Women, Please Stop Watching 'Goodfellas'

Women, Please Stop Watching 'Goodfellas'

This is a public service announcement: Women are only allowed to like movies about women -- because apparently, it’s all we can understand!

At least that's how The New York Post's film critic Kyle Smith feels. He declared that women are “not capable of understanding” the six-time Academy Award nominated classic film, “Goodfellas” in a June 10 piece.

And how could they? According to Smith, the film takes place “in a world guys dream about.” It’s “Entourage” with guns. A comparison, I’m sure, esteemed filmmaker Martin Scorsese and screenwriter Nicholas Pileggi (who was married to notable woman Nora Ephron) would be quite proud of.

Ladies, don’t waste one little ounce of energy prettily tilting your heads or furrowing your coiffed brows in an attempt to understand the complexities and nuance of such a dynamic, masculine world.

Say goodbye to enjoying “The Sopranos,” “Casino” and “The Godfather.” You just don’t get it. You will only be left feeling confused, alone and traumatized by the guns! The crime! The drama!

Focus instead on shows like “Sex and the City,” where the girls sit around complaining about men, but do so with the understanding that they will always -- always! -- support one another.

After all, it’s not like “Goodfellas” introduces Lorraine Bracco’s character Karen 30 minutes in and arguably makes the film about her. It’s not like we hear her voiceover throughout the movie time and time again -- literally putting us in her head so that we can hear her thoughts.

Ladies, don’t focus on that. Don’t pay attention to the power dynamics at play between Ray Liotta's Henry Hill and Karen. Don’t note the ways she flexes her power and the ways that he responds to it. Instead just pin some things on Pinterest and get your Midol in order before your next cycle hits.

Whatever you do, don’t track Karen’s journey. While all the other characters in "Goodfellas" grew up around crime, Karen is a "good girl," an outsider, a Jew, who marries into the mob and finds ways of normalizing their world so that she can exist in it. She is later left picking up the pieces, wondering how she justified and rationalized herself into a puddle on the floor. No woman can relate to that, surely.

Also, make sure you avert your eyes when the film depicts characters that constantly test limits as well as each other’s authority. Look away when egos are bruised, vows are broken, power is mishandled and respect is stepped upon.

The film is not about relationships, I promise. There’s no emotion here. It’s just guns. And bros. And bros with guns.

If you ask Smith, “Goodfellas” is just a movie about “ball-busting etiquette.” It’s certainly not about identity and the sacrifices we are willing to make for an ultimate goal.

Remember ladies, the characters in “Goodfellas” are scum. But to all men everywhere, “they’re hilarious, they’re heroes.” Don’t believe me? Smith told us so.

In case you didn’t know, women are genetically disqualified from relating to a coming of age story -- one where a bright-eyed teen says, “As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.”

Don’t trick yourself into thinking this is an origin story -- or, gasp! -- a cautionary tale. Henry wants to be somebody. And only men can relate to that.

Women, it’s best if you can avoid watching “Goodfellas” all together. If you do find yourself in a room where it’s on, take a tip from the film. The two most important rules are: “Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.”

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Before You Go

Henry Hill - The Man Who Inspired 'Goodfellas'

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