If you’re a human female living on planet Earth, you have wondered if you measure up.
You’ve asked yourself: “Am I pretty enough? Smart enough? Funny enough?” Then you’ve looked at other women—not just actresses, models, and porn stars, but friends, family, neighbors, classmates, and coworkers—and you’ve compared yourself. And you’ve probably paid a lot more attention to where you fall short (in your opinion) than where you measure up.
This is dysfunctional thinking.
A primary problem with this toxic measuring-up mindset is that you reduce yourself to a set of body parts, physical traits, and attributes as seen through the eyes of others—or, more accurately, how you think that others might be seeing them. In short, you objectify yourself, meaning you degrade yourself to the status of an object.
How would you feel if someone did this to your daughter, your sister, your mom, or your best friend? Does the mere thought of that make you angry? As a therapist and a woman, I hope that it does, and I suspect that you would stand up and defend your daughter, sister, mom, or friend with everything in your arsenal. And good for you.
But the problem is you perpetrate this judgmental shaming on yourself without a second thought. And when you do, you cause yourself to feel inferior, rejected, discounted, demeaned, ignored, unloved, unseen, embarrassed, foolish, and humiliated.
If you struggle with the measuring-up mindset, as so many women do, the time has come for you to stop comparing yourself and start honoring yourself. Here are ten suggestions for doing this. I hope you will read through these ideas and make at least a few of them daily habits.
- Look at yourself in the mirror every morning and say, out loud, three things you like about yourself. If you’re feeling particularly brave, tell yourself, “I love you.”
- Dare to wear that article of clothing, jewelry, or accessory you bought because it brought you joy, but just can’t seem to get up the courage to wear. It’s not as big a deal as you probably think.
- When you’re in meetings or classes, at family gatherings, or with a group of friends, express your opinion, ask a question, or make a comment. Every time you do this, you’re telling yourself that what you think and say matters.
- Think of ways you’ve been “playing small,” and take one baby step toward expanding and stepping out of your comfort zone.
- Do at least one thing that falls into the “want” rather than “need” category. Listen to your favorite music, meditate, practice yoga, take a bath with bath salts, drink your favorite tea, enjoy a delicious piece of chocolate, etc.
- Don’t allow others to belittle you, put you down, dampen your dreams, or poison you with self-doubt. Protect your confidence as if it were your most prized possession. Protect your confidence the way you would protect your daughter’s confidence.
- Surround yourself with people who know how to listen, and how to respect and love you exactly as you are.
- Dare to tell others—especially those closest to you—what you think, how you feel, and what might be bothering you.
- Pay attention to and feel your feelings instead of sweeping them under the rug. When you ignore your internal compass (your feelings), you dishonor and devalue an important part of yourself. When you accept and feel them, you empower yourself.
- Find a prayer or mantra that reminds you to see and honor yourself. This suggestion is very personal; what works for one person might not do a thing for someone else. For some women, it’s as simple as saying, “I matter.” Choose a phrase that resonates with you, and return to it regularly throughout the day.
Even if you only take half of these suggestions, you’ll steadily start to see and appreciate yourself as you are, rather than in terms of how you measure up to others. You will also develop a healthy allergy to people who are self-absorbed, judgmental, and can’t seem to celebrate or honor you. When you encounter these individuals, you needn’t spend your precious time and energy wondering why they can’t be there for you. Instead, you can refocus on yourself, your dreams, and your goals.
Honor yourself.
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Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW is the author of Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts. For more information, visit her website.