For the past two years or so (when my son Max was between the ages of 5-7), I've been jotting down every funny and bizarre comment that comes out of his mouth. I call them "my little gems." And what makes these "little gems" so priceless is that they're not said with the intent to be funny; they just naturally are. I'll continue to be his own personal stenographer until he becomes a boring adult just like the rest of us.
1. "Obama is the boss of America, and you're the boss of me, right?"
2. "I love you more than diarrhea."
3. "Mommy, when you tell me not to do stuff, it hurts my brain a little bit."
4. Max: "I'm really good at helping baby animals."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Max: "Like if a cheetah was chasing a baby bird, I'd give the baby bird a knife so he could defend himself."
5. Tomorrow is Max's 5th birthday. I told him he needs to be polite and say "thank you" for all the gifts he receives, even if he doesn't like something. His response to me was, "You mean like a suppository?"
6. "You can rub soap on your penis, but you can't rub a dog on your penis."
7. "Grandma doesn't make pancakes, but she has a delicious recipe for hot dogs."
8. "You cracked my heart."
9. Max: "Yay, the winter Olympics are starting!"
Me:"What sport are you excited to watch?"
10. "Women grow boobs and men grow beards."
11. "Mommy, when you and Daddy were little, were there trees?"
12. "What do you like better, technology or cookies? I'm having a hard time choosing."
13. "Some kids in my class did something very inappropriate today. They twerked. But don't worry, I think the principal saw them do it on the security cameras."
14. "Some doctors say if you eat candy when you have rabies, it makes you better."
15. "Smiling is a sign of laughing."
16. "'Shut your pothole' is a much better choice then saying shut up."
17. I was watching TV with Max and this elaborate commercial with fireworks comes on for KY Jelly. Max turns to me, dead serious, and says, "Mommy, would you like me to buy some KY for you as a present?" I told him, "That's okay, you already got me a lovely Christmas gift, but thank you."
18. "What if everyone was all made of sugar?"
19. "What if everyone in the world farted at the same time?"
20. "There's no pee in peanuts, right?"
21. "The Catwoman Lego is way cooler than the Wonder Woman Lego, because she's wearing mascara."
22. Max is playing with his Catwoman doll. He rolls his R, making her say "Purrrr-fect." I try to say it, but can't roll my R's to save my life. His response was "Mommy, you can only roll your R's if you're hispanic or a cat. You're just Jewish."
23. "My two favorite animals are cats and unicorns."
24. "Mommy, you have a vagina and it's hairy. No seriously, it has hair."
25. "What would happen if someone fell asleep on the potty while they were pooping?"
26. Max: "I can't believe Daddy's last name is so short."
Me: What do you mean? It's the same as yours?
Max: "No, Mommy, Daddy's last name is Jr."
27. "Can you put Tic Tacs in my lunch box?"
28. "Can I have a Ring Pop for breakfast?"
29. "Tell Grandma I'm not hungry for food, but will eat ice cream."
30. We're on the train heading out to visit my mom. Max breathes into his hand and smells it. I ask him what he's doing. He says,"I want to make sure I have fresh breath for Grandma."
31. "I think I'm going to marry my friend Lily. She's funny. She's smart and she's easy to lift."
32. "I need somebody to kiss, cause I'm already puckered up."
33. Max's cousin Violet asked to marry him. His response was, "I can't marry you because I'm already marrying my best friend Lana, but if we move to Utah, I can marry you both. You can marry as many people as you want there."
34. This past Sunday, I took Max to the carnival. He won a stuffed poodle at a darts game. When I asked what his poodle's name was, he replied, "Her name is Diamond. You know, like Madonna. She only goes by one name."