"I'd like to address Karen's dream for a moment."
I was at a free seminar after my yoga class on following your dreams and achieving your goals. In the group of 25 women, still sitting on their yoga mats, every dream was different. It was emotional--more tears than laughter--and the dreams ranged from a mom in the back corner wanting to find a way to live more peacefully with her three children, all of whom have special needs, to the woman in the front row, now addressing my dreams, who wanted to get her pre-baby body back.
Whoa, girlfriend, I wanted to say, this isn't group counseling and I'm here to listen to the expert, not to a (no offense) starry-eyed amateur.
Up until this point, no one but the life coach had been commenting on the personal stories of the others in the room. But before the woman even opened her mouth, I knew what was coming. I've seen this movie before. As a matter of fact, I've had a lead role in this movie.
"Karen says that she wants to work, but she has five kids. She is working. She is doing the most important job there is -- raising her children. I am completely fulfilled being a mom and I am so sick of having to explain what important work I am doing."
Truth be told, I envy those who find complete fulfillment in motherhood, and I wish that was me -- it isn't. (I sympathize with mothers who have to work and don't want to. They are in a noble league all on their own, and are exempt from this petty argument.) I resented her comment. My goals, after all, have nothing to do with hers. But, I was also sympathetic to the point she needed to make. I've ridden the working mom/stay-at-home mom roller coaster for years, and consider myself a veteran in this department.
I was doing my residency when my first child was born -- working 36 hour shifts and agonizing over the amount of breast milk in the freezer. After my second child was born, I started a non-profit and did that work from home. Then I went back into practice and worked part-time before babies four and five were born. My uncertainty used to be great and in my weakest moments, I found a selfish solace in thinking my situation and my parenting superior. I fluctuated between the two roles, and therefore the two sides -- stay-at-home mom vs. working mother. Which is better?
My newest lofty goal, which I shared with group, is to find a job that will give me personal fulfillment, pay for the sitter and still allow me to be the mom I want to be to my five kids. When asked what obstacles are keeping me from attaining my dream, I shared mine: guilt, laziness, not having enough time, the feeling that I should be content with what I have, the fact that my mom didn't work and a few others. Maybe you can relate.
The attention stayed on me longer than I would have liked. The life coach shot down my excuses one by one. I listened knowing she was right, but also knowing some excuses are difficult to overcome -- especially when they scream "Mommy" at you all day long.
But afterward, I found myself thinking less about the obstacles in my way and more about the woman trying to lose the baby weight. I definitely didn't appreciate her putting me back in the hot seat, but it was more than that. I was offended by her intrusion, by her trying to tie my dream to her insecurities. I couldn't help but read more between the lines. "I am struggling with my new role. I am personally offended by someone else's desire to do more. Despite the fact that Karen's goal of finding a job she loves has zero to do with me, I am going to indulge my own need to justify my choices, and insert my unsolicited opinion into this conversation."
If experience has taught me anything, it's that there is no universal answer to the best way to raise your kids -- either as a stay-at-home parent or as a working one. There was a time, in my younger years, when I sat in judgment of my peers. No more. I've realized that there is no such thing as a perfect mother. We all need to find our own way. God gave me my children to raise -- not yours -- and I will do my best with what I have been given. I will assume the women around me are not sociopaths, and therefore, also want the best for their children -- sort of goes with the territory.
Motherhood used to be a sisterhood, something generations of women muddled through together. Now, it is often a competition. In our struggle to fight to a non-existent finish line, we are tossing each other aside. It isn't pretty. Still, there is something worse than the ease and self-righteousness with which we critique each other. I fear that in all our effort to prove that we've got it right, in our useless attempt to win an imaginary prize, we are missing our one and only chance to live the lives we were meant to live. Do what you know is right for you and your family -- ignore the voice from the front row. She has a lot to learn.