If you have figured out that mediating is the least expensive, often least acrimonious way to get through a divorce, we offer you our primer for using attorneys to help support you as you negotiate the terms of your future.
But eyes wide open, mediating means you are taking on a lot of responsibility in representing yourself through the negotiations. You have the burden of working directly with your soon to be ex-spouse in unraveling the financial picture and figuring out who gets what. That means you have an understanding of what the assets are, how much they are worth, including how taxes may affect the value, which are liquid and which aren't. Also, it means that you understand your budget and earning power and potential. Finally, you need to be able to see that same big picture for your soon-to-be-ex as well. This, needless to say, is not an easy task, even if you are working with seasoned professional mediators.
You need to consult with experts working on your behalf, including financial expert and perhaps therapists. The most important person you will hire is an attorney, a 'mediation-friendly' attorney. Herewith, some tips:
1.Make sure you hire a matrimonial attorney, not your cousin's best friend -- the attractive real estate lawyer.
2.Make sure you check the fees before you even go in for a consultation-- there can be an enormous range of experience and rates and retainers.
3.Ask the attorney if he/she has ever consulted to someone going through mediation - it's best to work with an attorney who is supportive of the process and consulting is very different than advising a party to litigation.
4.Make sure you feel heard by the attorney and check that your attorney will respect decisions you make in mediation, even if they deviate from what a legal result may look like - particularly if you are intentionally "settling" for less in some areas. You probably have good reason for your decisions and the attorney should be reality testing with you, ensuring you have thought things through very carefully, but ultimately these are your decisions to make.
5.Make sure your attorney, while compassionate, understanding and wise, is not overbearing and pushing his or her own best view of the right outcome. Again, the premise in mediation is that you each know your financial needs and how to parent your kids better than anyone else.