Working With Challenge Or Change? Check Your Relationship To Discomfort.

You can cultivate powerful internal resources such as acceptance, curiosity, gratitude, compassion, and courage. We can do this everyday -- in the morning, in the evening, and several times during the day. Over time, living consciously and working effectively with discomfort becomes our new habit.
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This past week was challenging for me. I dropped my son off at college for his freshman year. The school is close enough that it is worth visiting for a weekend, but far enough away that he can't just drive home if he wanted to. This time in his life is filled with obvious opportunities for new friends, new learnings, and new adventures. He is excited, and I am excited for him. However, when it was time to say goodbye, I felt a physical urge to hold onto him for as long as possible. This is not a metaphor -- I really did not want to physically let go of him. On the drive back to the airport I felt as if someone had reached into my chest and pulled my heart in two. It was just plain uncomfortable. I found myself searching for a way to feel better before I let myself settle into the pain that is part of physically separating from someone I feel deeply connected to and that I am used to seeing on a daily basis.

Discomfort can contain a lot of important information -- the pain of separation can be an indication of the strength of connection. The discomfort of hunger can be a good reminder to eat, the discomfort of anxiety can be a helpful push to take care of some commitment, and the discomfort of anger can move us to address an injustice. However, sometimes the impulse to avoid discomfort or to seek pleasure is connected to habitual behaviors that just don't serve us well. There is nothing wrong with comfort in and of itself, it's just that we can get into the habit of putting so much energy into seeking relief from discomfort or trying to remain comfortable that there may be very little energy left for what is most important.

If we pay close attention, we may discover that it is not the situation itself that we are most concerned about -- it is the feelings we associate with the situation. An administrator once told me "I don't dread the work, I dread how I feel when I am doing the work." We don't want to feel the fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, boredom, restlessness, or stress we connect with the circumstance, so we try to control the universe so that these kinds of circumstances never arise. Controlling the universe is a big job that takes a lot of energy.

If we are not aware of what we are feeling and what is most important, then we are most likely to act upon existing patterns of seeking comfort and avoiding discomfort. If we are aware of what we are feeling and what is most important, then we have a choice to live differently. Facing challenge comes with discomfort -- in fact, discomfort is precisely what makes something challenging. If there were no discomfort, it would just be something that you do. Working effectively with discomfort is a key to personal growth and healthy connection to others.

Our slavish devotion to comfort and avoidance of discomfort takes a toll on the quality of our health, our relationships, and our work. Awareness and acceptance of the whole range of human feelings allows us the freedom to choose a response that is aligned with what matters most. The foundation of this freedom is the practice of paying attention to what is going on inside your body and paying attention to the elaborate story your mind tells about it. You can cultivate powerful internal resources such as acceptance, curiosity, gratitude, compassion, and courage. We can do this everyday -- in the morning, in the evening, and several times during the day. Over time, living consciously and working effectively with discomfort becomes our new habit.

Dave helps people live and work more consciously so that they can experience the well-being, growth, and connection they seek. He partners with individuals, couples, teams, and organizations to focus attention and energy where it will make the greatest positive difference. You can contact him at dave@appliedattention.com

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